Live from Cell Block D, where the blunt rotation has outlasted two hunger strikes and a stabbing
By the time you read this, I will still be in German prison.
This wasn't some metaphorical deep-dive. I deliberately broke the law—specifically, I smoked a blunt on top of a WWII aircraft in a museum hangar outside Munich—to get incarcerated for the sake of reporting this story.
Why? Because Germany just ruled that cannabis is legally permitted inside prison cells.
So I did what any responsible journalist embedded in a morally unstable satire brand would do: I packed a suitcase labeled “Export Only,” booked a one-way ticket to Frankfurt, and made myself a test case for international cannabis corrections reform.
GERMANY'S NEWEST MARKET SEGMENT: INCARCERATED CANNASSEURS
In April 2024, Germany legalized cannabis possession for adults. And in a June 2025 ruling, a regional court declared that prohibition of cannabis for inmates violates equal treatment laws. Which means: if you're in the clink, you can toke in peace. And yes, in your cell.
No, this does not mean prisoners are walking around with half-zips and PAX pens.
But yes, this does mean the prison now has a functioning internal weed economy—and I have risked my personal freedom to map it out.
THE LICENSING PROCESS (SORT OF)
There’s technically no “businesses” inside—but somehow this whole thing already smells like a licensing racket.Every inmate gets a “wellness card,” which grants access to dispensary rations and free rolling papers.Those with “preexisting cannabis experience” get first dibs at running commissary ops. One guy said he used to sell hash out of a church parking lot in Stuttgart. Another claimed to be the original inventor of cross-joints but “never patented the shit.”
They held a Warden’s Equity Panel to divvy up dispensary roles. One inmate pitched a full Seed-to-Shank vertical called “Felon Farms.” Another started an edible company using ramen seasoning and Commissary-brand margarine.
If you’re picturing a weed startup pitch deck but with more face tattoos and fewer teeth, you’re close.
THE MENU
The weekly ration allotment includes:
2 pre-rolls (0.3g each, weak as shit)
1 “therapy crumble” that smells like dried oregano
A rotating micro-dose edible they claim is 2mg but hits like a Nyquil gummy
To supplement, there’s an informal barter system. You can swap instant coffee for hash crumbs, shoelaces for vape pulls, and if you have access to international phone calls, you can get an eighth for one FaceTime with someone’s ex.
COMMISSARY DRAMA + TRADEMARK WARS
I tried to bring some structure to the operation—made a spreadsheet, took inventory, suggested we start doing terp profiles on the whiteboard. They told me to shut the fuck up and mop the floor.
There’s already trademark beef. One guy claims to have invented a strain called “Auf Wiederkush.” Another’s trying to sell me exclusive rights to “Doner Diesel” if I promise him a carton of smokes and first pick of the next gummy drop.I said sure. He stabbed a guy two days later. Still want the IP though.
CULTURE CLASH
They don’t do “stoner culture” in here the same way. No lava lamps. No Rick and Morty bongs.These dudes get high and immediately debate the finer points of European anarchism or spend 40 minutes describing the sex scene in Das Boot.
One guy microdoses and writes erotic fiction featuring Angela Merkel. Another rolls spliffs with pages from German law books and insists it “makes the high more constitutional.”
INMATE QUOTES THAT PROBABLY BELONG ON A SHIRT:
“We don’t hotbox the cell. We simmer it.”
“This is harm reduction. I used to do meth and now I just argue about train schedules.”
“THCa’s a scam. Bring back hash.”
EXIT STRATEGY
We sent a formal request for release back to Boof HQ last week. No official extraction plan has been confirmed.Tried bribing the guards with branded rolling trays and a mock equity grant for future commissary franchising.Didn’t work. I think they thought we were pitching an MLM.
As of this writing, I’m 23 days in, my bunkmate eats exclusively mustard packets, and we’ve rewatched EuroTrip five times because he thinks it’s a documentary.
FINAL THOUGHTS?
Germany may have legalized weed in prison, but they sure as fuck didn’t legalize common sense.
This is Boof du Jour, reporting live from Cellblock D. Tell my wife I’m networking.