He didn’t cheat the game — he just played it a few centuries early.
SEATTLE, WA — Seth Yakatan didn’t rise through the cannabis ranks—he arrived.
Literally. From the future.
That’s right: Boof du Jour has confirmed through deeply unreliable sources and one half-charged vape pen that LinkedIn cannabis thought leader Seth Yakatan is actually a time-traveling VC from the year 3024, here to grift the weed timeline like a stoned Biff Tannen.
The Book That Ruined Everything
According to our mole inside the Chrono-Ethics Tribunal, Yakatan stumbled across a banned paperback titled: “The Ridiculously Hilarious But True Stories of Cannabis Legalization in Modern America.”
He stole a Delorean 5K™ (or possibly hijacked Ms. Frizzle’s Magic School Bus, we’re still confirming) and has been bouncing through our century placing bets on brands, getting ahead of trends, and tweeting things like “This industry lacks foresight,” while literally having foresight.
The Red Flags Were There
Disappeared for 6 years, returned with 400 speaking engagements and a “specialty in cannabis strategy.”
Knows which MSO will collapse before they do.
Has never once clogged a vape pen — impossible for any real human.
Keeps saying things like “when Safe Banking finally passes in 2089” and “we need to prepare for Zaza Wars Phase 2.”
“Future Betting” and Other Crimes
Our investigation uncovered a leaked pitch deck from 3024 titled: “The Boof Leap: Cannabis Arbitrage Across Time” Inside were predictions he’s already capitalized on:
Investing early in Cookies Airlines
Funding the launch of “Bluntcoin” — a cryptocurrency for AI-controlled pre-roll machines
Buying up warehouse leases three weeks before every dispensary fire sale
He even bought shares in a future company called WeedBezos, which doesn’t exist yet but somehow owns Eaze.
The Glitch Heard Round the Timeline
In our exclusive Boof du Jour interview, Yakatan’s vape glitched mid-hit and he blurted:
“When Trulieve merges with Spirit Halloween in 2073—” (long pause) “—I mean, hypothetically…”
Closing the Loop
Since publication, multiple cannabis CEOs have claimed they “always suspected something was off.” One anonymous source said:
“I knew Seth was from the future when he predicted our acquisition down to the day, then showed up wearing our new logo… a week before we designed it.”
He was last seen entering a branded Sprinter van labeled “The Chrono-Konsulting Collective” which promptly vanished into thin air, leaving only an empty Yerba Mate can and a half-signed NDA.
TL;DR: Seth Yakatan is not a fraud.
He’s a perfectly executed temporal Ponzi scheme; And if you think you’re playing the game... He’s already read the playbook.
The Rings That Hold It All Together
But wait, there's more. If you think you’ve caught onto Yakatan’s tricks, think again. There’s one thing keeping him tethered to our timeline, and it’s not his vape pen or his expertly timed grifts — it's his rings. Yes, rings.
Much like Thanos in Endgame, Seth Yakatan’s rings are the source of his power. Each one holds a piece of the temporal puzzle — the keys to his knowledge, his predictions, and his ability to stay one step ahead. Take them away, and you don’t just steal his accessories — you unravel him. His entire existence is anchored in those rings. Remove them, and he loses access to his future intel, his edge in the cannabis game, and, frankly, his ability to navigate time itself. It’s like snapping the spine of the multiverse.
Here’s where things get interesting: Boof du Jour is sponsoring a contest to see who can "de-ring" the infamous future grifter. Think of it as a twisted scavenger hunt where you’re chasing rings instead of the truth. Whoever manages to strip Yakatan of all his rings will theoretically unlock every dark secret of the cannabis timeline he’s manipulated. But... and this is important... whoever succeeds gets jack fucking shit from us. That’s right. No prize. Nada. We just want to see how this plays out. Honestly, the only thing more entertaining than watching Yakatan time-travel through our history is watching you try to unravel him.
Good luck, suckers!
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