State Officials Celebrate Historic Labor Win by Taking Credit and Leaving Early
SALT LAKE CITY, UT — In a stunning act of legal benevolence just 88 years after the invention of the weekend, the state of Utah has announced that cannabis workers at a licensed medical dispensary have successfully ratified the state’s first-ever union contract.
The deal, struck between workers at WholesomeCo and UFCW Local 99, was praised by absolutely everyone who hasn’t stepped foot inside a Utah dispensary. The contract covers essential positions like delivery fulfillment agents, inventory compliance officers, and whatever the fuck a “pharmacy agent” is when you’re handing someone a jar of weed with child-proof tape on it.
"This is a landmark moment for labor rights in Utah’s thriving cannabis sector,” said a spokesperson for the Utah Department of Regulated Moral Panic, while nervously tucking a “Drug Free Workplace” poster back into their filing cabinet.
Key Contract Wins:
Guaranteed Wage Increases: Bold move in a state where “market rate” usually means minimum wage + a company T-shirt.
Paid Leave & Insurance: Wild concept in an industry that thinks “employee appreciation” means free pre-rolls after 10-hour shifts.
Ratification Bonus: $500 and a warm corporate LinkedIn post.
When reached for comment, one of the workers said,“I just wanted to stop being scheduled 7 days a week and maybe pee without asking a regional manager on Zoom.”
WHOLESOMECO STATEMENT:
The company congratulated its employees on the agreement, noting that,
“As Utah’s premier vertically integrated cannabis operator, we’re proud to support workers who have spent years navigating a regulatory framework written by Puritans on ketamine.”
The statement also included several paragraphs of unrelated praise for the company’s patient satisfaction scores, recent award nominations, and an aggressive reminder that they were “one of the first licensed operators in the state”—a flex that somehow still means something in Utah.
RED TAPE REALITY CHECK:
Let’s not pretend this was easy.
Workers had to organize in a state where mentioning “unions” triggers mandatory drug testing.
Every clause in the contract required legal review by Utah’s Board of Mormon Compliance & Cannabinoid Sensitivity.
Ratification was nearly delayed after someone accidentally used the word “recreational” in an email.
One insider described the process as “like organizing a union inside a Hobby Lobby, if Hobby Lobby also sold tinctures and anxiety.”
POLICY IMPLICATIONS:
Boof du Jour analysts confirm this is a huge win for workers—and a terrible look for every other state where cannabis workers are still being classified as “seasonal volunteers with spiritual benefits.”
“This could set off a wave of unionization in other medical markets,” said one labor expert.“Or, more likely, lead to a dozen cannabis CEOs posting vague tweets about ‘culture’ and doubling down on unpaid internships.”
FINAL NOTES:
Utah’s cannabis workforce now enjoys actual labor protections.
WholesomeCo gets to say they’re “industry leaders” for doing the bare fucking minimum.
And somewhere in the shadows, the state licensing board is already rewriting the rules to make sure it never happens again.
Boof du Jour will be monitoring future Utah labor victories, assuming they don’t get banned for using the word ‘weed’ in an email.