Joe Rogan said modern weed is weird, and now your dispensary’s a tactical smoothie bar
AUSTIN, TX — In what economists are calling “a masterclass in legislative self-sabotage,” Texas has officially banned all hemp-derived THC products—including Delta-8, Delta-10, HHC, THCP, and anything else that ever got you fake-high while listening to a guy in a backwards hat explain chakras.
While hemp shop owners scrambled to liquidate stock and cry into bags of expired CBD bath salts, Joe Rogan was somewhere in a sauna, unknowingly midwifing the dumbest drug policy decision in America since dare shirts and Nancy Reagan.
And quietly—like really quietly—the cartel won.
How We Got Here: An Entire State Took Policy Advice from a Podcast Segment About Gorilla Weed
Let’s go back.
On Episode #2163 of The Joe Rogan Experience, America’s most famous kettlebell with a Spotify deal casually claimed that modern weed was “too strong,” “probably synthetic,” and “might detach your soul from your dick.”
Within 72 hours, Texas lawmakers dropped legislation banning all psychoactive hemp products.
Coincidence? Possibly.Pattern? Absolutely.Market correction? Not even close.
In a leaked closed-door committee agenda, Rogan’s comments were reportedly discussed under the heading:
“Delta-8 and the Collapse of Traditional Masculinity”
One rep allegedly asked if DMT could still be sold “as long as it’s patriotic.”
Boofonomics Thesis: Rogan Didn’t Ban Weed—But the Cartel’s Been Grateful Ever Since
This isn’t a hit piece on Joe Rogan. That man once ate fermented elk testicle live on air to prove he was “mentally clear.” He’s not shaping policy. He’s just yelling into the void.
But when the void is full of insecure white guys with law degrees and a tendency to legislate from the neck vein, shit starts happening.
Texas nuked its own hemp industry.The cartel didn’t lobby for it.They just sat back and watched.
Boof Index Breakdown:
Policy Logic: Flatlined
THC Access (Legal): 0
THC Access (Illegal): Abundant, mobile, untested, and probably delivered in a Chick-fil-A bag
State Response to Criticism: “We’ll pray on it.”
Likelihood This Was All Triggered by a Podcast Rant: 86%
Likelihood the Cartel Benefited: 100%, allegedly
UFC: Untraceable Flower Consortium
Financial records obtained through a burner Instagram account reveal a shell company—Verde Nocturno Holdings S.A.—has quietly funneled "performance stipends" into UFC-affiliated operations for over a decade.
Internal documents list:
“Herbal morale packs” for fighters
“Resin-based recovery kits”
And a $1.3M wire to “Stockton Holdings” marked “For The Boys”
One leaked cartel memo reads: “American weed weakens the warrior spirit. Ours does not.”
The UFC, when pressed, said they “don’t test for sativa loyalty” and “could not confirm or deny if Nate Diaz is technically on retainer.”
Dana White, for the record, loves the setup: No union, no taxes, just cash weed and cage fights.
Inside the Market Fallout: The Hemp Economy Got Suplexed
DeltaDave’s (Waco): Closed. Blamed “deep state sabotage.” Pivoted to copper-infused prepper water.
Lonestar Lifted (Austin): Rebranded as Freedom Juice: Tactical Wellness & Smoothies.
Patriot Strains™ launching soon:
Don’t Tread on Kush
Second Amendment Sativa
Blue Dream, Red State Edition
CBD boutiques statewide are now selling “constitutional herbs” and magnesium salts under the label “Faith-Based Healing.”
Meanwhile, cartel supply lines are booming. One DEA official told Boof anonymously,
“They’re not even hiding it anymore. One drop box was labeled ‘Medical Equipment’ and filled with joints and a picture of Joe Rogan’s face taped to a pitbull.”
Quote from a Hemp Retailer:
"One week we’re legal. The next, I’m trying to explain to a cop what THCP is while my 17-year-old cashier cry-rolls a kratom blunt in the break room.”
Rogan’s Role: The Human Algorithm for Misguided Policy
Let’s be absolutely clear:Joe Rogan didn’t ask for this.
But he sure as shit helped sell it.
He said weed was “different now.”Legislators heard “ban it before it eats your kids.”And suddenly we’re in a full-scale prohibition with TRT candles and mushroom jerky as the only high left.
It wasn’t a conspiracy. It was a vibe shift.
Final Take: Texas Just Gifted the Cartel Their Best Q2 Since Fast & Furious 4
The weed isn’t gone. It’s just gone back underground.
The legal players—hemp startups, vape brands, infused jerky collectives—are dead in the water.The real players—the guys with burner phones, fake strain names, and friends in Stockton—are already scaling up distribution.
Texas banned legal weed to “protect the children,”but now half the state’s high schoolers are getting untested flower from someone named “Uncle Hector” who takes Venmo under “landscaping.”
Joe Rogan, oblivious to all of this, is in a cold plunge with a Navy SEAL talking about how lions don’t need Delta-8.
Investor Guidance:
Divest from Texas hemp. Reallocate into:
TRT candles
Cartel-adjacent “performance supplements”
Or any business that thrives on dumb laws and sweaty marketing
Because weed isn’t dead in Texas. It’s just cartel-certified now.
And no matter how this shakes out, Joe Rogan will still be podcasting about elk meat while the rest of us buy mids in parking lots.