Exposés

MISSOURI — In another inspiring example of the cannabis industry's unwavering commitment to putting people first, Agri-Genesis has reportedly celebrated its acquisition of Verts by introducing an exciting new employee benefits program called Go Fuck Yourself. The program, which management has not actually given that name, allows employees to experience the thrill of losing their accumulated paid time off while simultaneously enjoying the privilege of continuing to work a

SPRINGFIELD, MO — Following reports of a labor dispute involving employees at its Springfield dispensary, Greenlight Cannabis has reportedly announced plans to convert the entire company into a religious institution, a groundbreaking corporate restructuring designed to bring employees closer to God and considerably farther away from collective bargaining.

Effective immediately, Cookies will reportedly become Crackers, a sweeping fictional rebrand designed to distance the company from its mounting legal drama while finally creating a corporate identity that executives believe more accurately represents the people currently running it. “We spent a lot of time asking ourselves some difficult questions,” said a completely fictional company spokesperson. “Who are we? What do we stand for? What is our authentic connection to cannab

BOULDER, CO — Cannabis beverage company Keef has announced what executives are calling its “most intimate celebration of womanhood yet,” temporarily rebranding itself as Queef for Breast Cancer Awareness Month and promising consumers that every limited-edition can will contain something no male-owned beverage company has previously been brave enough to offer:

A Florida grand jury traced $8.5 million from a settlement involving health care for low-income children into the campaign against marijuana legalization. The DeSantis administration cannot remember who authorized the transfer, but it remains extremely pleased with the result.

Madison Heights removes one Flock camera from a cannabis dispensary, creating a historic privacy zone where customers can show ID, join the loyalty program and complete a transaction beneath every other camera on the property.

After California recalls flower packaged with a collectible figurine, Backpackboyz finds the obvious solution: partner with BOOK IT! and count every eighth purchased as a completed book toward a free Personal Pan Pizza.

COLLEGE PARK, MD — The University of Maryland has sent a cease-and-desist letter to cannabis company Terps USA over its use of the word “Terps,” finally addressing one of the most serious intellectual property crises facing higher education today: people shortening the word terpenes.