Oscar Mayer Sues Select Over Naming Rights to "Hot Dog Water"

MADISON, WI — Oscar Mayer filed a trademark lawsuit this week against cannabis vape brand Select after allegedly discovering consumers had begun referring to Select's distillate as "hot dog water," leading the company to believe Select was attempting to capitalize on one of Oscar Mayer's most recognizable products.

According to the complaint, Oscar Mayer executives initially assumed "Hot Dog Water" was the official name of Select's latest vape line.

"We've spent more than a century building one of the most respected hot dog water brands in America," a fictional Oscar Mayer spokesperson said. "Imagine our surprise when we found another company using the phrase without so much as a licensing agreement."

The confusion reportedly began after Oscar Mayer's legal department monitored thousands of online cannabis discussions in which consumers repeatedly referred to Select products as "hot dog water."

"Naturally, we assumed this was intentional branding," the spokesperson continued. "Nobody would voluntarily have thousands of customers describe their product that way."

Sources inside Select say the company was equally confused after receiving the cease-and-desist letter.

"We honestly thought people were just being mean."

The lawsuit reportedly demands Select immediately stop using the phrase "Hot Dog Water" in connection with its products, despite company executives insisting they have never actually used it in marketing materials.

Oscar Mayer remains unconvinced.

"If consumers immediately associate your product with hot dog water, that's brand recognition," the lawsuit allegedly argues. "And we've owned that space for generations."

Industry analysts say the case could have major implications.

Should Oscar Mayer prevail, several additional lawsuits are expected to follow.

LaCroix is reportedly considering legal action over companies describing their flower as "TV static."

Wet cardboard manufacturers are exploring trademark protection after several pre-roll reviews.

And a group of abandoned lawnmowers is believed to be preparing a class action lawsuit against multiple outdoor-grown biomass producers.

Meanwhile, cannabis consumers expressed confusion over the entire situation.

"I honestly thought Oscar Mayer would've been more offended," one Reddit user reportedly wrote. "Turns out they're mostly upset about the intellectual property."

Select declined to comment on the lawsuit but confirmed it has no immediate plans to release companion strains including Bologna Breath, Mystery Meat OG, or Mechanically Separated Kush, despite what industry insiders described as "an obvious branding opportunity."

At press time, Oscar Mayer had reportedly expanded the lawsuit to include anyone who has ever described a distillate vape as tasting "like the water left in the package after opening the hot dogs."