The Full Boof

An Ohio cannabis candy fraud case inspires the industry’s most honest edible yet: Investor Gummies, infused with projections, delusion, and the sudden urge to wire money before asking questions.

GRAND RAPIDS, MI — As inflation continues to drive up the cost of food across America, one Michigan man says he has found a simple solution: stop buying food and start buying edibles. According to 34-year-old Tyler Jensen, the decision came after a routine trip to both the grocery store and his local dispensary left him asking a question that economists, regulators, and cannabis executives have been desperately trying to avoid:

Critics say the DEA's marijuana rescheduling hearing was built to answer the question before the discussion even began. Boof examines a participant list, a process under fire, and the only mascot qualified to moderate it.

Kentucky's Jason Nemes wants physicians and businesses prosecuted for following expanded qualifying conditions. The only problem? Every medical cannabis state in America has been following the exact same script for years.

For the better part of a decade, the cannabis industry has been building what it believed was the future. Thousands of dispensaries. Billions of dollars in licenses, real estate, cultivation facilities, marketing campaigns, loyalty programs, mobile apps, rewards clubs, customer journeys, educational content, menu integrations, online ordering systems, curbside pickup programs, and enough SMS messages to qualify as psychological warfare. The pitch was simple: If co

After ignoring operators, economists, neighboring states, and basic arithmetic, Michigan officials are now investigating why their wholesale cannabis tax generated exactly the outcome everyone predicted.

DENVER, CO — According to industry insiders, cannabis operators across America are entering a new phase of strategic planning. It's called: "Getting Acquired Before We Run Out of Money." For years, cannabis executives gathered at conferences and investor meetings to discuss ambitious growth plans, market dominance, national expansion, and becoming the future of consumer packaged goods. Today, many of those same executives are spending their time cleaning up inventory records,

Japan has banned CBN, a cannabinoid associated with relaxation and sleep, after regulators reportedly identified calmness as an emerging threat to productivity.

Massachusetts regulators are auditing cannabis THC potency testing after years of increasingly impossible lab results turned dispensary menus into radioactive fantasy novels masquerading as science.

There’s a special kind of poetry in cannabis branding. The kind where everyone is “family,” everything is “hand crafted,” and the flower is supposedly kissed into existence by moonlight, good intentions, and a mission statement nobody can afford to question.

In today’s episode of You Can’t Make This Shit Up, a cannabis CEO proudly declared, “I don’t use cannabis very often, but I think our vapes are the absolute best,” instantly earning the admiration of investors, LinkedIn thought leaders, and absolutely no one who’s ever actually inhaled anything besides flavored air.

n today’s episode of Corporate Delusion Olympics, a bargain-bin startup proudly strutted onto LinkedIn to announce a “DREAM JOB ALERT” for a marketing role… while offering a salary that screams, “We don’t respect your profession and we think exposure is a valid currency.”

There’s a Slack channel called #springfield-seo-war-room that currently contains seven agencies, three freelancers, two AI writing tools, and a handful of “strategists” who speak exclusively in phrases like “content velocity” and “authority signals” but couldn’t point to a single page they’ve actually improved if you put a gun to their Patagonia vest.

In an inspiring commitment to educational mediocrity, the University of New England announced the launch of its new cannabis industry program, a bold academic initiative staffed almost entirely by people whose résumés read like a Craigslist section titled Jobs I Almost Had.

“Banquet Salisbury Steak: Chef’s Signature RSO Drizzle” Because not every infused meal needs to involve saffron, microgreens, and a chef who calls himself an “alchemist.”

The Invitations No One Wanted to Receive No one admits how nervous they were when the invites went out. They’ll joke about it now. Post about it. Laugh it off in Slack threads and group chats. But when those envelopes first landed, no return address, no branding, just a matte black card that read “You’ve been nominated. Attendance strongly recommended.”, people checked the categories twice. Some checked with legal. Others checked their last three product launches.

In a scene more predictable than a THC-infused seltzer brand posting a mocktail recipe nobody asked for, a cannabis CEO reportedly entered the marketing department today and unleashed the annual trauma trigger: “Sooo… what are we doing for 4/20?” Eyewitnesses say the room immediately filled with the sound of collective soul evaporation, described by OSHA as “similar to a Roomba choking on a gummy worm.”

There are a lot of ways to mess up cannabis. You can overprice it. You can under-trim it. You can package it like it’s trying to win a minimalist design award in 2016. But allegedly shipping THC that doesn’t match the label, plus mold, plus E. coli? That’s not a mistake. That’s a full-blown operational philosophy.

This year, we remained deeply committed to social equity, community engagement, and looking like we care just enough to avoid getting yelled at on LinkedIn. We understand the importance of repairing the harms caused by prohibition. We also understand the importance of maintaining strong margins. Balancing both has been… inspirational.

Somewhere off the coast of Ghana, a fisherman is staring at the ocean like it just punk’d him. Because instead of fish, or shells, or anything remotely natural, the tide is coughing up thousands of U.S. cannabis-branded t-shirts, promo lanyards, and freebie tote bags, a floating landfill of failed marketing campaigns that even Goodwill rejected.