The Full Boof

SAN FRANCISCO - Following the runaway success of his new book Legends, cannabis entrepreneur and Cookies founder Berner announced this week that he will be launching a national motivational speaking tour aimed at helping drug dealers transition into “creative entrepreneurs.”

MISSOURI — National vape brand Stiiizy has reportedly exited the Missouri cannabis market faster than a guy doing Olympic level math after hearing the phrase “I’m not on birth control.” The California powerhouse entered the state with the usual national brand playbook. Big reputation. Big marketing confidence. Big assumption that if a brand dominates shelves in Los Angeles, it will naturally dominate shelves everywhere else.

After months of surveillance, leaked footage, and one extremely unstable budtender who claims he “saw the portal,” we can now confirm that Chelsea Mulligan is not entirely human. She is a retail-compliance cyborg sent from the year 2042 to prevent the extinction of real dispensaries. We repeat. She is not here by accident.

SEATTLE - After years of politely presenting velocity charts that no one read, margin reports that no one understood, and reorder recommendations that were described internally as “interesting but we’re going to go with our gut,” Headset’s newly integrated A.I. has reportedly taken decisive action.

Somewhere, a regulator is high-fiving himself in a windowless office because he “protected consumers” from the terrifying danger of a 25mg gummy. Meanwhile, Chad from accounting is on his ninth 10mg cube and chewing like a livestock animal. Welcome to the 10mg edible cap. The policy equivalent of putting a shot glass limit on tequila and acting shocked when everyone orders twelve.

LAS VEGAS - Tourists expecting neon excess at Planet 13 Las Vegas this weekend instead found something even more surreal: Dan Bilzerian behind the counter asking if they prefer sativa or “something chill.” Yes. That Dan.

In a plot twist so clean it feels focus-grouped by the universe itself, a Florida state official acknowledged that opioid settlement funds were used to bankroll an anti-marijuana campaign. Yes.The money extracted from pharmaceutical companies for helping torch communities with addictive painkillers somehow found its way into a “weed is the real threat” messaging push. You could not engineer irony this tight if you tried.

Somewhere in America right now, a VP of Marketing is refreshing Canva, a founder is practicing their “humbled but visionary” acceptance speech in the mirror, and a CFO is quietly Googling “how to expense tuxedo rentals during insolvency.”

In a stunning development that absolutely no one outside a cannabis executive Slack channel saw coming, several multi-state operators are now being sued by the Ohio Attorney General for allegedly doing the one thing capitalism is extremely clear about: Agreeing on prices. Together. On purpose.

Legal cannabis dispensaries across the country are once again pointing fingers at nearby smoke shops and hemp retailers selling THCA flower, insisting the unregulated market is the primary reason their stores are underperforming, customers are leaving, and vibes are “challenging right now.”

DENVER, CO - A leading cannabis recruiting firm quietly admitted this week that it has not been staffing the industry with a diverse network of professionals, as previously claimed, but has instead been circulating one man named Bob across nearly every major cannabis company since 2019.

Somewhere between “Easy Apply” and “We’ve decided to move forward with other candidates,” there is a place. A real place. A stupid place. A place so hostile to hope it smells faintly of burnt resumes and LinkedIn Premium desperation. Every cannabis job listing you see on LinkedIn, Brand Manager, VP of Culture, Head of Growth (Must Love Compliance), is not actually intended to hire a human being. The listing exists solely to be funneled, via fiber-optic lie, to a remote facili

CHICAGO — What was supposed to be a historic step forward for hemp-derived THC beverages quickly turned into a citywide hydration emergency after the United Center began selling THC-infused drinks and was forced to hand out an estimated 50,000 free beers to angry guests who claimed the drinks did absolutely nothing.

Arizona has officially launched its first statewide Best in Grass cannabis competition, allowing consumers to vote on weed quality across the state. Naturally, the ballots are already being recounted. Not because anything went wrong, just because this is Arizona, and the state physically cannot see a ballot without running it through at least four different agencies, two consultants, and one guy named Gary who “has concerns.”

In a move that briefly restored everyone’s faith in humanity, Illicit Gardens announced it was transitioning to a fully employee-owned company. No VC vampires. No private equity spreadsheet necromancers. Just workers owning the thing they actually show up to every day. For about twelve beautiful seconds, the cannabis industry stood still. LinkedIn wept. Consultants nodded solemnly. Someone used the phrase “stakeholder alignment” without irony.

Welcome to Utah, where cannabis is strictly medical, aggressively regulated, and somehow still tastes like someone dissolved a Jolly Rancher in a gas station slushy machine. Utah lawmakers will swear, hand on scripture, that vape pens here are for patients, not pleasure. Which is wild, because if these are medical devices, then NyQuil should come in Mango Gelato. So we ran a little test. Call it science. Call it journalism. Call it the Utah Vape Pen Pepsi Challenge™.