The Full Boof

BOULDER, CO — Cannabis beverage company Keef has announced what executives are calling its “most intimate celebration of womanhood yet,” temporarily rebranding itself as Queef for Breast Cancer Awareness Month and promising consumers that every limited-edition can will contain something no male-owned beverage company has previously been brave enough to offer:

American Patriot Brands began as The Grilled Cheese Truck, raised more than $30 million for a supposed cannabis empire, and ended with a federal judgment totaling nearly $43.9 million.

Missouri cannabis company Headchange has reportedly pushed solventless innovation into previously unexplored territory with the launch of Chocolate Starfish, a line of hash-infused chocolates shaped like tiny buttholes.

Following the state's sweeping crackdown on hemp-derived THC products, industry analysts say millions of Texans who purchased legal Delta-8, Delta-9 hemp, THCA, and other hemp-derived cannabinoids from licensed retailers now face an exciting new customer journey known simply as: "Text your cousin."

The drug-testing industry told a federal court that cannabis reform could cut medical review revenue by at least 35 percent, accidentally documenting how much prohibition is worth to the people paid to enforce it.

Oklahoma built a $4.9 million reference laboratory to confront lab shopping, potency inflation and contaminated products. The instruments are operational. Much of the independent accountability system is still completing accreditation.

A new federal hemp definition will judge viable cannabis seeds by the THC concentration of their parent plants, turning genetics, ancestry and the possibility of germination into evidence of a future drug crime.

MADISON, WI — Oscar Mayer filed a trademark lawsuit this week against cannabis vape brand Select after allegedly discovering consumers had begun referring to Select's distillate as "hot dog water," leading the company to believe Select was attempting to capitalize on one of Oscar Mayer's most recognizable products.

An Ohio cannabis candy fraud case inspires the industry’s most honest edible yet: Investor Gummies, infused with projections, delusion, and the sudden urge to wire money before asking questions.

GRAND RAPIDS, MI — As inflation continues to drive up the cost of food across America, one Michigan man says he has found a simple solution: stop buying food and start buying edibles. According to 34-year-old Tyler Jensen, the decision came after a routine trip to both the grocery store and his local dispensary left him asking a question that economists, regulators, and cannabis executives have been desperately trying to avoid:

Critics say the DEA's marijuana rescheduling hearing was built to answer the question before the discussion even began. Boof examines a participant list, a process under fire, and the only mascot qualified to moderate it.

Kentucky's Jason Nemes wants physicians and businesses prosecuted for following expanded qualifying conditions. The only problem? Every medical cannabis state in America has been following the exact same script for years.

For the better part of a decade, the cannabis industry has been building what it believed was the future. Thousands of dispensaries. Billions of dollars in licenses, real estate, cultivation facilities, marketing campaigns, loyalty programs, mobile apps, rewards clubs, customer journeys, educational content, menu integrations, online ordering systems, curbside pickup programs, and enough SMS messages to qualify as psychological warfare. The pitch was simple: If co

After ignoring operators, economists, neighboring states, and basic arithmetic, Michigan officials are now investigating why their wholesale cannabis tax generated exactly the outcome everyone predicted.

DENVER, CO — According to industry insiders, cannabis operators across America are entering a new phase of strategic planning. It's called: "Getting Acquired Before We Run Out of Money." For years, cannabis executives gathered at conferences and investor meetings to discuss ambitious growth plans, market dominance, national expansion, and becoming the future of consumer packaged goods. Today, many of those same executives are spending their time cleaning up inventory records,

Japan has banned CBN, a cannabinoid associated with relaxation and sleep, after regulators reportedly identified calmness as an emerging threat to productivity.

Massachusetts regulators are auditing cannabis THC potency testing after years of increasingly impossible lab results turned dispensary menus into radioactive fantasy novels masquerading as science.

There’s a special kind of poetry in cannabis branding. The kind where everyone is “family,” everything is “hand crafted,” and the flower is supposedly kissed into existence by moonlight, good intentions, and a mission statement nobody can afford to question.

In today’s episode of You Can’t Make This Shit Up, a cannabis CEO proudly declared, “I don’t use cannabis very often, but I think our vapes are the absolute best,” instantly earning the admiration of investors, LinkedIn thought leaders, and absolutely no one who’s ever actually inhaled anything besides flavored air.

n today’s episode of Corporate Delusion Olympics, a bargain-bin startup proudly strutted onto LinkedIn to announce a “DREAM JOB ALERT” for a marketing role… while offering a salary that screams, “We don’t respect your profession and we think exposure is a valid currency.”