The Full Boof

There’s a Slack channel called #springfield-seo-war-room that currently contains seven agencies, three freelancers, two AI writing tools, and a handful of “strategists” who speak exclusively in phrases like “content velocity” and “authority signals” but couldn’t point to a single page they’ve actually improved if you put a gun to their Patagonia vest.

After months of surveillance, leaked footage, and one extremely unstable budtender who claims he “saw the portal,” we can now confirm that Chelsea Mulligan is not entirely human. She is a retail-compliance cyborg sent from the year 2042 to prevent the extinction of real dispensaries. We repeat. She is not here by accident.

LAS VEGAS, NV. What began as a simple sit down with David Tran, founder of Dope Magazine and Fairchild Events, quickly spiraled into what investigators are now calling “a multi day endurance test disguised as journalism.”

LAS VEGAS - Tourists expecting neon excess at Planet 13 Las Vegas this weekend instead found something even more surreal: Dan Bilzerian behind the counter asking if they prefer sativa or “something chill.” Yes. That Dan.

New York finally enforced the billboard rules everyone pretended not to read. The signs came down quietly. Ownership panicked loudly. Marketing took the blame, as tradition demands.

Dutchie this week unveiled its long-awaited All-In-One POS / Marketing / E-commerce / Intelligence Platform, and for once the product actually did everything leadership promised. It transformed. During a rollout demo at a midsize dispensary, witnesses report that after a Monster Energy drink was accidentally poured across a tablet register, the system entered what Dutchie later described as “a hardware-forward innovation state.”

An ICE officer in Minnesota learned the hard way that America’s culture war hits different when it comes in a slim aluminum can with tasteful typography. After finishing a shift spent aggressively interpreting paperwork, Officer Bradley “Brad” Stonewall stopped at a local liquor store to grab what he believed was a normal, patriotic seltzer. Clear can. Minimalist design. No screaming weed leaves. Just hydration, liberty, and plausible deniability.

Dateline: Emergency Rooms in Massachusetts, Mississippi, New York, and Illinois It’s 2:17 a.m. The ER doors slide open. A nurse sighs. Another man steps forward, sweating, clutching a clipboard, eyes wide with regret and pride in equal measure. The waiting room is quiet in the way only medical crises get, except for the unmistakable posture. The stance. The problem.

We set out with noble intentions. Real journalism shit. Different dispensaries. Different brands. Different vibes. We wanted variety. Terps. Personality. Maybe, god forbid, weed that tastes like it was grown this decade. Instead, we accidentally speedran The Good Day Farm Cinematic Universe.

Somewhere off a two-lane highway, behind a “No Trespassing” sign that hasn’t worked since Obama. Boof du Jour has located the source of your state’s most “exclusive,” “small-batch,” “hand-trimmed,” “top-shelf,” “award-winning” flower.

What began as a routine “solidarity outreach” event between UFCW Local 21 organizers and cannabis workers ended Tuesday afternoon in chaos, confusion, and a fully sanctioned strike - against the union itself - after several organizers reportedly tried weed for the first time and immediately realized they were the problem.

A Michigan dispensary got caught giving away nearly 2,000 grams of concentrate under a fake name — so in a last-ditch PR stunt straight out of a fever dream, they hosted a statewide gathering of every real Chris Peterson they could find. It didn’t prove innocence, but it did prove how far the cannabis industry will go to avoid admitting it screwed up.

Boof du Jour hosted a “vendor networking event.” The twist? It was a fight club for unpaid invoices. Cookies, 710 Labs, WYLD, and Trulieve faced their vendors in the ring for the first-ever Net-30 Invitational.

Ayr Wellness has shuttered its Manchester, CT cannabis drive-thru after reporting $134M in 2024 losses. Patients lost a key access point, while investors got stuck with another MSO “innovation” turned corporate foreclosure.

Michigan cannabis workers can now pay rent to pretend they still work in weed. Introducing BudSpace: Wi-Fi, exposed brick, no job. Just vibes.

We hit the streets of Bangkok to investigate Thailand’s cannabis policy nightmare. The laws change weekly, the ministers are stoned, and the tourists have no idea what they’ve walked into. It’s like getting high in the middle of a bureaucratic improv class.

One JuicyFields scammer is still free, still rich, and still pitching bullshit from an Airbnb in Spain. We found him. He rolled a blunt. We rolled tape.

Lexachrom, a New York cannabis testing lab, bailed mid-recall after clearing toxic flower for shelves. No answers, no arrests. Our field correspondent digs into the empty lab, vanished CEO, and broken regulatory state that let it all happen.

New York approved over 150 dispensaries too close to schools. Now they’re making licensees fight for survival in a real-world cannabis Hunger Games. This Field Dispatch goes inside the madness — Tributes, districts, and all.

We visited three Connecticut weed shops—one legal, one sketchy, one pretending to sell hemp—and met the same dealer at every single one. Welcome to the John Paul multiverse.