The Full Boof

This isn’t satire. This isn’t a rumor mill. This isn’t “sources familiar with the matter.” This is Boof du Jour opening the comments and asking a very simple question about Heya Wellness: How much money do they owe you? Just the number.

Let’s clear something up immediately: weed didn’t do this. A dispensary didn’t “accidentally” become a fentanyl rinse cycle. A person did. Specifically, Carolina Correa, a Rhode Island businesswoman who looked at her boyfriend’s fentanyl profits and thought, “I know exactly where this should go - inside a cannabis investment.” Not offshore. Not buried in shell companies. Not laundered through fine art or crypto or literally anything smart. Straight. Into. The books.

OKLAHOMA CITY - Oklahoma’s Governor visited his first licensed cannabis dispensary this week, was told to take 2.5mg, took 25mg instead, and within hours concluded that the safest course of action was to shut down the entire cannabis industry statewide.

Legal cannabis dispensaries across the country are once again pointing fingers at nearby smoke shops and hemp retailers selling THCA flower, insisting the unregulated market is the primary reason their stores are underperforming, customers are leaving, and vibes are “challenging right now.”

Donald Trump has reportedly secured a New York adult-use cannabis license and-within hours-filed a lawsuit against the U.S. federal government for not making weed federally legal. The lawsuit, filed before the ink on the license paperwork dried, alleges that the federal government’s continued prohibition of cannabis is “bad for business,” “extremely unfair,” and “honestly kind of embarrassing for a country this powerful.”

Fabuloso has officially entered the weed business. The reason? Market research. Specifically: every dispensary already smells like it. After decades of accidentally becoming the unofficial fragrance sponsor of retail cannabis, Fabuloso executives reportedly realized they weren’t entering a new industry, they were simply acknowledging one they already dominated aromatically.

COLUMBUS, OH - After years of insisting cannabis marketing resemble a hospital pamphlet written by a risk-averse insurance adjuster, Ohio regulators have officially announced that cannabis advertising may now look “recreational.”

In what experts are calling “the most honest cannabis branding of the decade,” Kash Patel has reportedly partnered with a cannabis edible company to launch a new line of gummies engineered to make your eyes look exactly like his. Unlike the traditional Green Card, which requires paperwork, time, and a basic understanding of reality, the Greener Card fast-tracks licensed cannabis operators directly to Venezuela, where they are granted immediate access to “unused, und

In a move that legal experts are calling “technically impossible” and cannabis executives are calling “worth a shot,” Donald Trump announced today the creation of a brand-new immigration program specifically for cannabis license holders: the Greener Card™. Unlike the traditional Green Card, which requires paperwork, time, and a basic understanding of reality, the Greener Card fast-tracks licensed cannabis operators directly to Venezuela, where they are granted immediate ac

In a landmark transaction that will fundamentally change nothing except the font on the bag, Wyld has officially acquired Grön, creating the cannabis industry’s first fully interchangeable gummy ecosystem. The press release calls it “a major industry transaction. ”Budtenders call it “the moment my job officially became improv theater.”

After a court ruled her firing unlawful, Shannon O’Brien was reinstated as CCC Chair — only to be suspended again on appeal. Massachusetts cannabis regulation has officially turned into compliance theater with billion-dollar stakes.

New York’s cannabis regulators admitted they’ve been measuring the school buffer wrong for three years — now 152 operators face shutdowns, a $15M fund skips existing stores, and compliance has devolved into spreadsheets, lawsuits, and Form 6399-FU.

A federal court just ruled New York’s “social equity” weed licenses unconstitutional. Turns out, excluding 49 states isn’t reform — it’s just illegal.

The Omaha Tribe legalized cannabis before Nebraska even picked a lane. They wrote the law, built the system, and started issuing licenses—proving that tribal sovereignty is faster than state bullshit.

Montana merged its weed and booze regulators. Now bar owners think they can sell joints, dispensaries are advertising bourbon, and no one knows who's actually in charge. This isn’t reform — it’s a licensing disaster dressed up as efficiency.

JEFFERSON CITY, MO  — In a groundbreaking move to confuse, entrap, and mildly inconvenience cannabis operators statewide, Missouri...

State regulators unveil bold new strategy to make legal weed just shitty enough to lose to the plug again. Welcome to “safety.” FOR...

Texas Governor Greg Abbott Receives Prestigious “Accidental Cannabis Hero” Award After Vetoing THC Ban He Clearly Didn’t Understand In a...

In a bold new commitment to scientific illiteracy, California regulators unveil a pesticide policy that would decertify testing labs...

If you’ve ever run craps out of a basement while high, congratulations—you’re now eligible for a Vegas weed casino license. LAS VEGAS, NV...