Trump Secures New York Cannabis License, Immediately Sues the Federal Government for Making Cannabis Illegal

NEW YORK - In what industry analysts are calling “the most on-brand cannabis rollout of all time,” 

Donald Trump has reportedly secured a New York adult-use cannabis license and-within hours-filed a lawsuit against the U.S. federal government for not making weed federally legal.

The lawsuit, filed before the ink on the license paperwork dried, alleges that the federal government’s continued prohibition of cannabis is “bad for business,” “extremely unfair,” and “honestly kind of embarrassing for a country this powerful.”

Sources close to the matter say Trump became interested in cannabis after learning that New York licenses are scarce, highly politicized, and generate nonstop headlines-three things he considers aphrodisiacs.

“Nobody Legalizes Weed Better Than Me”

According to insiders, Trump’s entry into cannabis began the same way all great business ideas do: someone told him he couldn’t have it.

After being briefed that New York’s cannabis program is slow, chaotic, and routinely sued by everyone involved, Trump reportedly leaned back and said, “Perfect. Sounds like real estate in 1987.”

Within weeks, a Trump-affiliated LLC-allegedly named Make America High Again Holdings, LLC-secured conditional approval. Within minutes of approval, Trump’s legal team filed a federal lawsuit arguing:

• Cannabis should be legal federally

• It’s unfair that banks won’t work with him

• And most importantly, he should not have to follow laws he doesn’t like

“This is a disaster,” Trump allegedly said in a statement. “They tell me cannabis is legal, then they tell me it’s illegal. Which is it? When I ran the country, this never happened. Nobody was confused. Especially not me.”

The Dispensary Concept: Gold Leaf, No Soul

Early renderings of the proposed Trump dispensary reveal a space that looks less like a weed shop and more like a Marriott lobby that smells faintly of Pineapple Express.

Features include:

• Gold-trimmed display cases holding $85 eighths

• A loyalty program that resets every visit

• Budtenders referred to as “Brand Ambassadors”

• A pre-roll called Executive Privilege (burns unevenly, insists it didn’t)

The flagship strain, insiders say, will be Indica Only, because “sativas ask too many questions.”

Industry Reaction: Equal Parts Shock and “Yeah, That Tracks”

Cannabis executives across the country reacted with a mix of horror, admiration, and deep jealousy.

“One of us finally figured it out,” said a multi-state operator CEO who asked to remain anonymous. “He got the license and sued the government in the same week. We’ve been whining on LinkedIn for a decade like idiots.”

Lobbyists confirmed the lawsuit is already being used in pitch decks under the slide titled ‘Unintended Consequences.’

Federal Response: Long Sigh, Adjusted Tie

Federal officials declined to comment directly but were reportedly seen rubbing their temples and whispering, “We just wanted SAFE Banking, man.”

Legal experts say the case could take years to resolve, but agree on one thing:Trump suing the U.S. government over cannabis legality after entering the cannabis market is the most honest thing anyone in this industry has ever done.

Final Take

Plenty of cannabis executives complain about federal illegality.

Most of them write Medium posts. Some of them hire lobbyists. 

Donald Trump got a license and immediately chose violence.

Honestly? 

Respect the efficiency.

— Boof du Jour