Trump Announces New “Greener Card” for Cannabis Licensees, Grants Immediate Access to Venezuelan Farmland
- josephsmithsbestfr
- 1 day ago
- 2 min read
By Boof du Jour
In a move that legal experts are calling “technically impossible” and cannabis executives are calling “worth a shot,” Donald Trump announced today the creation of a brand-new immigration program specifically for cannabis license holders: the Greener Card™.
Unlike the traditional Green Card, which requires paperwork, time, and a basic understanding of reality, the Greener Card fast-tracks licensed cannabis operators directly to Venezuela, where they are granted immediate access to “unused, underutilized, or aggressively forgotten farmland.”
“We’re talking about the best land. Tremendous land,” Trump said at a podium hastily wrapped in hempcrete. “Nobody’s using it. Venezuela isn’t using it. So we’re letting cannabis people use it. Very green. Very legal. Very beautiful.”
Welcome to Trulievela
Upon landing, approved Greener Card holders are reportedly met on the tarmac by Kim Rivers, CEO of Trulieve, for a private, invitation-only tour of her newly founded Venezuelan special economic zone: Trulievela.
Trulievela - described in internal documents as “Vertical integration, but with palm trees” - features:
Unlimited cultivation acreage
Zero local competition (by design)
A fully operational compliance department that simply says “it’s fine”
And a flagship campus known as The Everglades, But Make It Tropical
Sources say Rivers personally escorts visitors through the operation, gesturing toward endless fields and saying things like, “This one’s medical. This one’s adult-use. This one’s just vibes.”
A Solution to Several Problems No One Asked to Solve
According to Trump, the Greener Card solves three major issues simultaneously:
Too many cannabis licenses in the U.S.
Not enough land anyone wants in Venezuela
Executives needing somewhere new to expand without explaining it to shareholders
“This is a win-win-win,” Trump explained. “The growers win. Venezuela wins. Kim wins. Honestly, mostly Kim.”
The Greener Card reportedly includes:
Permanent residency (pending vibes)
Exclusive farming rights within Trulievela’s borders
And a commemorative lanyard that says “I Survived U.S. Cannabis Compliance”
Industry Reaction: Confused, But Listening
Within minutes of the announcement, LinkedIn lit up with CEOs asking if Venezuelan operations qualify as “multi-state” for deck purposes, while consultants rushed to rebrand themselves as Latin American Expansion Strategists. One anonymous MSO executive was overheard whispering, “If it gets us out of California, I’ll learn Spanish.”
Critics Remain Skeptical
Regulators, diplomats, and anyone who passed a civics class have raised concerns, citing “international law,” “sovereignty,” and “the fact that this is obviously fake.”
Trump dismissed the criticism.
“They said cannabis would never be legal. They said MSOs wouldn’t collapse. They were wrong before. They’re wrong again.”
At press time, Trulieve declined to confirm or deny the existence of Trulievela, issuing only a brief statement:
“We are always exploring opportunities to responsibly grow the plant.”
Which, in cannabis, means yes, but quietly.
Boof du Jour will continue monitoring this story as it inevitably becomes a panel at MJBizCon.
Comments