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The Full Boof
BREAKING: Texas Creates Largest Customer Acquisition Campaign in Cartel History
Following the state's sweeping crackdown on hemp-derived THC products, industry analysts say millions of Texans who purchased legal Delta-8, Delta-9 hemp, THCA, and other hemp-derived cannabinoids from licensed retailers now face an exciting new customer journey known simply as:
"Text your cousin."
Aug 62 min read
BREAKING: Alabama Determines Medical Cannabis More Dangerous Than Whiskey, Cigarettes, and Gas Station Sushi Combined
MONTGOMERY, AL — In a bold new effort to protect public health from the terrifying dangers of government-approved medicine, Alabama regulators have reportedly concluded that medical cannabis now ranks somewhere between uranium and unpasteurized raccoon milk on the state's official Danger Scale.
Aug 22 min read
Drug Testing Industry Tests Positive for Cannabis Dependence
The drug-testing industry told a federal court that cannabis reform could cut medical review revenue by at least 35 percent, accidentally documenting how much prohibition is worth to the people paid to enforce it.
Jul 3111 min read
Oklahoma’s $5 Million Cannabis Lab Is Fully Operational Except for Testing Cannabis
Oklahoma built a $4.9 million reference laboratory to confront lab shopping, potency inflation and contaminated products. The instruments are operational. Much of the independent accountability system is still completing accreditation.
Jul 2911 min read
Michigan Cannabis Inventory Takes Company Retreat to Massachusetts
Michigan processor GCM Waypoint agreed to close after regulators alleged interstate cannabis transport, missing cartridges, empty tagged boxes, untagged material and major inventory failures.
Jul 288 min read
Federal Government Begins Prosecuting Cannabis Seeds for Crimes They May Commit as Adults
A new federal hemp definition will judge viable cannabis seeds by the THC concentration of their parent plants, turning genetics, ancestry and the possibility of germination into evidence of a future drug crime.
Jul 2710 min read
BREAKING: CIA Reportedly Using METRC Plant Tags to End the Hippie Bloodline
SACRAMENTO, CA — The cannabis industry was rocked this week after independent lab testing found detectable heavy metals in California’s mandatory METRC plant tags, immediately confirming what every guy with wraparound sunglasses and a podcast has been screaming since 2018:
Jul 232 min read
DEA Announces Daren The Lion Will Oversee Marijuana Rescheduling Hearing
Critics say the DEA's marijuana rescheduling hearing was built to answer the question before the discussion even began. Boof examines a participant list, a process under fire, and the only mascot qualified to moderate it.
Jun 297 min read
Kentucky Lawmaker Horrified To Discover Medical Marijuana Program Functioning Exactly As Intended
Kentucky's Jason Nemes wants physicians and businesses prosecuted for following expanded qualifying conditions. The only problem? Every medical cannabis state in America has been following the exact same script for years.
Jun 263 min read
North Carolina Lawmakers Agree 16-Year-Olds Mature Enough For Marriage, Not Hemp Gummies
North Carolina lawmakers want to protect young people from hemp-derived cannabinoids by restricting purchases to those 21 and older. The only problem? The state already trusts some teenagers with significantly more life-altering decisions.
Jun 243 min read
Los Angeles Launches Revenue Sharing Program For Illegal Dispensaries
After years of raids and promises to shut down illegal dispensaries, Los Angeles may have stumbled upon a simpler strategy: if you can't eliminate the black market, maybe it's time to send it an invoice.
Jun 223 min read
Japanese Government Moves To Close Dangerous Loophole Allowing Citizens To Relax
Japan has banned CBN, a cannabinoid associated with relaxation and sleep, after regulators reportedly identified calmness as an emerging threat to productivity.
Jun 34 min read
Massachusetts Regulators Expected To Discover Weed Cannot Actually Test At 47% THC
Massachusetts regulators are auditing cannabis THC potency testing after years of increasingly impossible lab results turned dispensary menus into radioactive fantasy novels masquerading as science.
May 264 min read
Regional Manager Accidentally Spends Entire Visit Describing Himself as Operational Problem
Boof du Jour embeds inside a collapsing dispensary as a Regional Manager spends an entire store visit identifying problems directly caused by people exactly like him, while frontline employees desperately attempt to keep the building operational.
May 194 min read
Boof du Jour Presents: The Worst of 4/20 Awards 2026
The Invitations No One Wanted to Receive
No one admits how nervous they were when the invites went out.
They’ll joke about it now. Post about it. Laugh it off in Slack threads and group chats. But when those envelopes first landed, no return address, no branding, just a matte black card that read “You’ve been nominated. Attendance strongly recommended.”, people checked the categories twice.
Some checked with legal.
Others checked their last three product launches.
Apr 1712 min read
BREAKING: Dosist Hit With Class Action After Women Accidentally Load Disposables Into Their Vaginas Like Misguided NASA Probes
The universe has finally granted us a lawsuit so stupid, so chaotically on-brand for this industry, it feels like performance art. A class action has officially been filed against Dosist after hospitals across the country reported a surge of women showing up with what doctors have gently described as “vape-related internal confusion.”
Translation:
Women are shoving Dosist disposables into their vaginas like they’re launching a NASA mission to microdose their uteruses.
Apr 83 min read
New York Brings in Pam Bondi to Run OCM, Finally Solves Problem by Simply Saying There Isn’t One
ALBANY, NY — After years of delays, lawsuits, licensing gridlock, and a thriving unlicensed market that moves product faster than the legal side can schedule a meeting about it, New York has officially found its solution
Just stop calling it a problem.
In a bold, galaxy-brain pivot, the state has tapped Pam Bondi to lead the New York Office of Cannabis Management, citing her “proven ability to confidently describe any situation as going extremely well, regardless of what is v
Apr 22 min read
Connected Launches Infused Kit Kat Bar Days After 400,000 Regular Kit Kats Mysteriously Disappear
In what executives are calling “perfectly normal timing” and everyone else is calling “come on, man,” Connected has officially announced the launch of its new infused chocolate bar… a suspiciously familiar wafer-based product that looks, tastes, and snaps exactly like a Kit Kat. The announcement comes less than a week after reports surfaced that over 400,000 Kit Kat bars vanished during a transit heist that authorities have described as “weirdly specific” and “honestly kind o
Apr 22 min read
Ohio Protects Children by Replacing Weed Drinks With Alcohol That Tastes Like Recess
Ohio looked at low-dose THC drinks, saw a calm, predictable experience, and said, “absolutely not.” Then they turned around and greenlit an entire aisle of alcoholic beverages that look like they were designed during a sugar rush at Chuck E. Cheese.
Mar 232 min read
Newsom Finalizes Cannabis Tax Amnesty Program, Accepting “Yakuza-Style” Finger Offerings for Debt Relief
Somewhere deep inside Sacramento, a group of regulators looked at California’s collapsing cannabis tax structure, billions in unpaid liabilities, and operators bleeding out in slow motion… and decided the solution was finally here.
Not lower taxes.
Not enforcement reform.
Not fixing the supply chain.
No.
Fingers.
Mar 182 min read
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