ICE Officer Accidentally Drinks THC Seltzer, Discovers His Entire Family Is Immigrants, Arrests Himself

By Boof du Jour

“I Thought It Was Just Sparkling Water,” Says Man Now in Handcuffs

An ICE officer in Minnesota learned the hard way that America’s culture war hits different when it comes in a slim aluminum can with tasteful typography.

After finishing a shift spent aggressively interpreting paperwork, Officer Bradley “Brad” Stonewall stopped at a local liquor store to grab what he believed was a normal, patriotic seltzer. Clear can. Minimalist design. No screaming weed leaves. Just hydration, liberty, and plausible deniability.

What Stonewall failed to clock - despite the legally mandated labeling, dosage callouts, and literal THC icon-was that he had just purchased a THC-infused seltzer. A product sold openly, taxed thoroughly, and apparently invisible to anyone who only reads things that confirm their worldview.

“I don’t do drugs,” Stonewall reportedly told no one in particular, staring at his dashboard. “I just drink water with confidence.”

When the Seltzer Hits and the Border Becomes a Thought Experiment

According to a timeline reconstructed from store receipts, body cam footage, and a confused call to dispatch that included the phrase “the Constitution feels stretchy,” the effects began about 17 minutes later.

At first, nothing.

Then:

• Conservative talk radio began sounding “weirdly angry for no reason”

• The word illegal started feeling… vague

• And Stonewall became deeply curious about who decided where lines go on maps

Witnesses say Stonewall whispered, “What if borders are just illusions?” before opening Google on his department-issued phone and typing “where did my family come from”.

The Genealogy Spiral

Stonewall did not find what he expected.

Within minutes, publicly available records revealed:

• A great-grandfather who arrived through Ellis Island with no documents, no English, and a hat doing most of the work

• A grandmother whose last name was shortened because America didn’t feel like learning it

• Multiple ancestors who “came for opportunity,” which is immigration when it’s framed nicely

At 8:42 p.m., Stonewall reportedly said:

“Oh no. We’re… immigrants.”

He then sat silently for several minutes, drinking water that absolutely should not have contained thoughts.

The Arrest

Body cam footage shows Stonewall exiting his vehicle, placing his hands behind his back, and calmly reading himself his Miranda rights.

“You have the right to remain silent,” he said, pausing. “Which I have not historically exercised.”

He successfully handcuffed one wrist, struggled with the other, and ultimately declared the second cuff “symbolic, but earned.”

Backup units arrived to find Stonewall seated on the curb, crying, eating beef jerky, and apologizing to a fire hydrant for “the administrative state.”

Department Response: We Did Not Plan for Awareness

Internal memos describe the incident as “unexpected,” “unprecedented,” and “not covered in the PowerPoint.”

A statement from the department confirmed Stonewall was placed on administrative leave pending review of:

• A legally purchased beverage

• A personal ancestry crisis

• A citizen’s arrest involving the citizen

When asked whether THC seltzers pose a risk to law enforcement, a spokesperson said:

“We are currently reviewing packaging fonts.”

The Seltzer

The liquor store has since moved the product behind the counter after Stonewall taped a handwritten note to the cooler reading:

THIS WATER MAKES YOU REALIZE THINGS

Employees confirmed the seltzer was clearly labeled, popular with adults who mind their business, and not responsible for any previous arrests of self.

The Aftermath

Stonewall has reportedly requested reassignment to “something less philosophical,” possibly parking enforcement or inventory auditing.

Colleagues say he’s been:

• Asking coworkers where their families are “from-from”

• Referring to borders as “historical suggestions”

• Describing his badge as “a conversation starter, not a personality”

He has also been overheard saying:

“We’re all just paperwork with feelings.”

The Real Lesson

No one is saying THC seltzers cause empathy. But if your ideology collapses after one drink and a free ancestry lookup, the issue was never the plant.

Stonewall didn’t lose his certainty because of cannabis. He lost it because of context.

Somewhere in Minnesota, a half-empty can of infused seltzer now sits in an evidence locker labeled:

EXHIBIT A: UNINTENDED AWARENESS

Boof du Jour will continue covering cannabis, hypocrisy, and the fragile belief systems that dissolve the moment someone reads the label, or their own family history.