Boofonomics

n today’s episode of Corporate Delusion Olympics, a bargain-bin startup proudly strutted onto LinkedIn to announce a “DREAM JOB ALERT” for a marketing role… while offering a salary that screams, “We don’t respect your profession and we think exposure is a valid currency.”

There are a lot of ways to mess up cannabis. You can overprice it. You can under-trim it. You can package it like it’s trying to win a minimalist design award in 2016. But allegedly shipping THC that doesn’t match the label, plus mold, plus E. coli? That’s not a mistake. That’s a full-blown operational philosophy.

There are bad business decisions. There are dumb business decisions. And then there’s whatever the hell Tilray Brands allegedly thought it was doing here. Because according to a fresh lawsuit, the Bob Marley Estate is coming for roughly $11 million in unpaid royalties. Not in a friendly “let’s sort this out” way. More like a direct hit. Let’s be clear about something. This isn’t just any licensing deal. This is Bob fucking Marley.

Somewhere in America right now, a cannabis marketing platform is confidently telling a dispensary owner they can increase average order value. Not by a little. Not by accident. By design. With science. With AI. With a proprietary system nobody is allowed to ask questions about.

SEATTLE - After years of politely presenting velocity charts that no one read, margin reports that no one understood, and reorder recommendations that were described internally as “interesting but we’re going to go with our gut,” Headset’s newly integrated A.I. has reportedly taken decisive action.

Somewhere, a regulator is high-fiving himself in a windowless office because he “protected consumers” from the terrifying danger of a 25mg gummy. Meanwhile, Chad from accounting is on his ninth 10mg cube and chewing like a livestock animal. Welcome to the 10mg edible cap. The policy equivalent of putting a shot glass limit on tequila and acting shocked when everyone orders twelve.

In a stunning development that absolutely no one outside a cannabis executive Slack channel saw coming, several multi-state operators are now being sued by the Ohio Attorney General for allegedly doing the one thing capitalism is extremely clear about: Agreeing on prices. Together. On purpose.

In a move that legal experts are calling “technically impossible” and cannabis executives are calling “worth a shot,” Donald Trump announced today the creation of a brand-new immigration program specifically for cannabis license holders: the Greener Card™. Unlike the traditional Green Card, which requires paperwork, time, and a basic understanding of reality, the Greener Card fast-tracks licensed cannabis operators directly to Venezuela, where they are granted immediate ac