BREAKING: Texas Creates Largest Customer Acquisition Campaign in Cartel History

State reportedly spends years building a legal THC customer base before politely asking them to "find a guy."

AUSTIN, TX — Marketing experts are calling it one of the most effective customer acquisition campaigns ever executed.

Not by Nike.

Not by Apple.

By the Texas Legislature.

Following the state's sweeping crackdown on hemp-derived THC products, industry analysts say millions of Texans who purchased legal Delta-8, Delta-9 hemp, THCA, and other hemp-derived cannabinoids from licensed retailers now face an exciting new customer journey known simply as:

"Text your cousin."

"It's an unbelievable funnel," said one fictional marketing consultant while drawing a flowchart on a Whataburger napkin.

"You spend five years teaching consumers exactly what products they like, where to buy them, and how often they purchase... then you remove the legal stores from the equation."

"Whoever's left standing gets all the customers."

The state's hemp industry had exploded into a multi-billion-dollar market, with thousands of licensed retailers openly selling hemp-derived THC products under existing state and federal law.

Then, seemingly overnight...

Congratulations.

You're evidence.

Smoke shops across Texas reportedly spent the week performing emergency renovations.

"We've converted our THC display into an exciting collection of incense, novelty grinders, and T-shirts nobody has ever intentionally purchased," said one fictional store owner while carefully covering empty shelves with Funko Pops.

"Our accountant keeps asking if we're still a business."

Consumers, meanwhile, remain remarkably inconsiderate by continuing to want THC despite legislative efforts suggesting they should simply stop.

"That's the frustrating part," explained another fictional policy expert.

"Demand didn't read the bill."

Economists have long noted that when demand remains but legal supply disappears, consumers don't always abandon the product.

They often abandon the legal market.

By Thursday afternoon, Texas residents reported receiving remarkably similar recommendations from friends.

"You know a guy?"

"No... but my barber does."

"My tattoo artist probably has a guy."

"My chiropractor definitely has a guy."

"My grandma somehow has two guys."

Officials defended the crackdown as necessary for public safety.

Boof du Jour reached out to the black market for comment.

They declined an interview, citing an unusually busy week.

Industry analysts predict the biggest winners from the policy may include:

• Encrypted messaging apps.

• Cash-only transactions.

• People whose profile picture is a Dodge Challenger.

• Every friend who starts a sentence with, "Don't worry, it's the same stuff."

Despite concerns from hemp businesses that the crackdown could drive consumers toward unregulated products, state leaders remain confident the plan will reduce access to THC.

At least at stores that collect sales tax.

At press time, the black market had reportedly announced a customer appreciation event featuring no age verification, no receipts, and an exciting new loyalty program called, "Meet me behind the gas station in 15 minutes."