Dutchie’s New “All-In-One” Platform Achieves Full Physical Form, Grows Teeth, Immediately Freezes

By Boof du Jour

Promises to Eat Budtenders “Next Quarter,” Says This Repeatedly Until Everyone Stops Listening

Dutchie this week unveiled its long-awaited All-In-One POS / Marketing / E-commerce / Intelligence Platform, and for once the product actually did everything leadership promised.

It transformed.

During a rollout demo at a midsize dispensary, witnesses report that after a Monster Energy drink was accidentally poured across a tablet register, the system entered what Dutchie later described as “a hardware-forward innovation state.”

The tablet began vibrating. The barcode scanners fused together. The scale slid forward on its own.

Within minutes, the POS terminal had physically assembled itself into a machine, a hunched, countertop-sized organism made of screens, cords, receipt printers, card readers, and loyalty tablets, all bound together by zip ties and unresolved tickets.

Then it grew teeth.

The Budtender Eating Machine (BEM™)

According to internal documentation, the system, now referred to as the BEM™ (Budtender Eating Machine) was designed to “optimize retail flow by discouraging inefficiency.”

In practice, this meant:

• A slot where receipts used to come out now opened into a mouth

• The customer-facing tablet developed a jawline

• The scanner cords flexed like tendons

• And the scale began breathing, gently but audibly

The machine addressed the room in a mildly excited voice:

“Hi team! I’m here to help. Also, if a customer asks more than one question, I will eat them. Not now. Next quarter.”

Rules Enforcement, Dutchie Style

The BEM™ announced its operational logic clearly:

• One question? Fine.

• Two questions? Logged.

• Three questions? “Interesting.”

The mouth opened slightly when a customer asked about terpene differences. It closed again when the system froze. A progress bar appeared on its forehead.

LOADING ACCOUNTABILITY… 7%

Teeth With No Follow-Through

Despite the horrifying optics, no one was harmed. Not because Dutchie intervened, but because the machine never actually completed an action.

Each time it threatened to consume a budtender, it instead:

• Froze mid-sentence

• Played a chime

• And said, with forced optimism:

“Great question! I’m aligning resources to eat you next quarter.”

Then it logged the interaction in a visible ledger mounted to its side, labeled:

PEOPLE WHO WILL BE ADDRESSED LATER

The ledger was blank.

Customers React

Customers attempting to shop during the incident described a familiar experience.

“I asked if the gummies were vegan,” said one patron. “The machine growled, showed me three dashboards, and said it would circle back.”

Another customer reported the machine snapping its teeth when asked about discounts, then immediately apologizing and asking to “reconfirm preferences.”

“It felt threatening,” they said. “But also… unfinished.”

Dutchie Calls the Transformation “On-Brand”

In a statement, Dutchie leadership praised the machine’s emergence as “a natural evolution of unified commerce.”

“This platform brings everything together, hardware, software, fear, and deferred consequences,” the statement read. “The fact that it hasn’t eaten anyone yet shows restraint.”

Executives emphasized that the BEM™ is still in Early Aggression Access, and its most powerful features—actual harm, decision-making, and follow-through—are scheduled for future releases.

Roadmap Highlights

According to leaked slides, upcoming updates include:

• Teeth calibration

• Faster freezing

• Louder threats

• And a new feature called “Proactive Accountability™”, which does nothing but says your name out loud occasionally

Current Status

As of press time, the Budtender Eating Machine remains at the front counter, humming quietly, occasionally baring its teeth, and congratulating staff for “engagement.”

Every few minutes it says:

“This is exciting. Next quarter will be very exciting.”

Then it crashes.

Boof du Jour will continue covering the evolution of Dutchie’s platform as it inches closer to its final form: a fully sentient retail organism that cannot sell weed, cannot answer questions, and cannot remember what it was mad about, but cannot stop promising consequences.

If you hear clicking behind the counter, don’t panic. 

It’s not hungry.

Yet.