The Full Boof

DEA federally registered more than 900 medical marijuana dispensaries, then built a closed provider network complete with out-of-network growers, unresolved tax coverage and a rule requiring the government to buy cannabis crops and sell them straight back.

DENVER, CO — What was intended to be a festive Halloween costume contest at a local cannabis dispensary quickly descended into confusion Thursday after judges discovered that every single employee who placed in the competition was simply wearing their normal work clothes.

Florida regulators found wastewater leaving a Trulieve cultivation property without a permit. The company’s new meteorology division would prefer everyone call it a highly localized compliance system.

MISSOURI — In another inspiring example of the cannabis industry's unwavering commitment to putting people first, Agri-Genesis has reportedly celebrated its acquisition of Verts by introducing an exciting new employee benefits program called Go Fuck Yourself. The program, which management has not actually given that name, allows employees to experience the thrill of losing their accumulated paid time off while simultaneously enjoying the privilege of continuing to work a

SPRINGFIELD, MO — Following reports of a labor dispute involving employees at its Springfield dispensary, Greenlight Cannabis has reportedly announced plans to convert the entire company into a religious institution, a groundbreaking corporate restructuring designed to bring employees closer to God and considerably farther away from collective bargaining.

Effective immediately, Cookies will reportedly become Crackers, a sweeping fictional rebrand designed to distance the company from its mounting legal drama while finally creating a corporate identity that executives believe more accurately represents the people currently running it. “We spent a lot of time asking ourselves some difficult questions,” said a completely fictional company spokesperson. “Who are we? What do we stand for? What is our authentic connection to cannab

BOULDER, CO — Cannabis beverage company Keef has announced what executives are calling its “most intimate celebration of womanhood yet,” temporarily rebranding itself as Queef for Breast Cancer Awareness Month and promising consumers that every limited-edition can will contain something no male-owned beverage company has previously been brave enough to offer:

A Florida grand jury traced $8.5 million from a settlement involving health care for low-income children into the campaign against marijuana legalization. The DeSantis administration cannot remember who authorized the transfer, but it remains extremely pleased with the result.

Madison Heights removes one Flock camera from a cannabis dispensary, creating a historic privacy zone where customers can show ID, join the loyalty program and complete a transaction beneath every other camera on the property.

After California recalls flower packaged with a collectible figurine, Backpackboyz finds the obvious solution: partner with BOOK IT! and count every eighth purchased as a completed book toward a free Personal Pan Pizza.

COLLEGE PARK, MD — The University of Maryland has sent a cease-and-desist letter to cannabis company Terps USA over its use of the word “Terps,” finally addressing one of the most serious intellectual property crises facing higher education today: people shortening the word terpenes.

Missouri cannabis company Headchange has reportedly pushed solventless innovation into previously unexplored territory with the launch of Chocolate Starfish, a line of hash-infused chocolates shaped like tiny buttholes.

MONTGOMERY, AL — In a bold new effort to protect public health from the terrifying dangers of government-approved medicine, Alabama regulators have reportedly concluded that medical cannabis now ranks somewhere between uranium and unpasteurized raccoon milk on the state's official Danger Scale.

Trulieve, Curaleaf, Verano, a Green Thumb subsidiary, an AYR-linked holding company, and Ascend gave $11.5 million to a Trump-linked PAC, finally revealing who corporate cannabis thinks deserves social equity funding.

Michigan processor GCM Waypoint agreed to close after regulators alleged interstate cannabis transport, missing cartridges, empty tagged boxes, untagged material and major inventory failures.

Spirit Halloween has launched a cannabis incubator for companies with national ambitions, unpaid vendors and roughly 90 days before the lenders take the furniture. The faculty includes executives from Cannabist, PharmaCann, AYR, TerrAscend and FLUENT.

MADISON, WI — Oscar Mayer filed a trademark lawsuit this week against cannabis vape brand Select after allegedly discovering consumers had begun referring to Select's distillate as "hot dog water," leading the company to believe Select was attempting to capitalize on one of Oscar Mayer's most recognizable products.

ROANOKE, VA — Roanoke College announced this week the launch of a new bachelor's degree in cannabis, giving students the opportunity to spend four years mastering cultivation, extraction, chemistry, genetics, compliance, business strategy, and cannabis policy before entering the workforce to hear one life-changing question:

SACRAMENTO, CA — California regulators announced this week that they have officially opened an investigation into one of the cannabis industry's greatest unsolved mysteries: How does California weed keep showing up absolutely everywhere outside California?

Missouri's next microbusiness licensing round is meant to expand access. Boof investigates the rich white cannabis hopefuls, consultants, and “hardship” experts turning equity into a two-day costume rehearsal.