Cannabis CEO Bravely Admits He Barely Touches Weed, Swears His Vapes Still “The Best Ever”

In today’s episode of You Can’t Make This Shit Up, a cannabis CEO proudly declared, “I don’t use cannabis very often, but I think our vapes are the absolute best,” instantly earning the admiration of investors, LinkedIn thought leaders, and absolutely no one who’s ever actually inhaled anything besides flavored air.

The comment dropped during a press interview where the exec, let’s call him Chad Terpenestein, Lord of the Synthetic Lemon Haze, attempted to hype his brand’s latest disposable vape, a product so aggressively marketed it practically microdoses your inbox.

Witnesses say he made the statement with the confidence of a man who once took two hits of a joint at a wedding and spent the rest of the night telling strangers the moon was “too bright.”

Industry insiders weren’t shocked. This is the natural evolution of modern cannabis leadership: CEOs who treat weed like an exotic zoo animal, fascinating from a distance, but God forbid they touch it. Their job is not to get high, but to talk about getting high in a way that makes hedge funds feel safe and gently aroused.

When asked how he knows the vapes are “the absolute best” if he barely uses them, the CEO reportedly said,

“Our team tells me they rip,” which is exactly what you want to hear from the person steering a multimillion-dollar weed company, that Chad is outsourcing his ability to detect whether his own product works.

Employees later confirmed that the CEO once tried a 2-second puff of a prototype and immediately asked if it was “supposed to taste like that,” before wandering off to a brand photoshoot to pretend-smoke for the camera.

Meanwhile, actual cannabis consumers, you know, the people who keep this industry on life support, responded to the quote with the collective eye-roll of a generation. One budtender summed it up: “If you don’t vape, that’s fine. But don’t stand there like the Pope of Cloud Kingdom telling us your mango passionfruit distillate is ordained by God.”

Still, the CEO remains confident. “Cannabis is the future,” he proclaimed, before promptly declining a sample because it was “a workday.”

Inspirational.