Inside the DEA’s Mid-2025 Cannabis Control Brief

The Only Federal Drug Cartel With a Compliance Department and a Quota Spreadsheet

To our valued investors, stakeholders, and federally protected profiteers:

We’re proud to present the DEA’s Mid-Year 2025 Cannabis Performance Brief — a transparent look at our continued domination of the U.S. cannabis supply chain, achieved through regulatory inertia, scientific cockblocking, and quota throttling disguised as reform.

Thanks to the public's distraction by Schedule III headlines, we’ve expanded our chokehold on cannabis without triggering a single actual policy change. Win-win. Unless you work in weed.

Q2 Highlights

• 8 federally licensed cannabis manufacturers approved (zero new ones — still our boys)

• 34 state-licensed applicants denied federal access

• ~1.3 million pounds of cannabis seized from “unlicensed operators” (read: everyone)

• 3,700 FOIA requests delayed or ghosted entirely

• 0 arrests of pharmaceutical lobbyists or fake researchers
  

“We are committed to reform, so long as it doesn’t work,” said one DEA spokesperson while dragging another PTSD research file into a bureaucratic oubliette.

Product Portfolio Snapshot

We continue to dominate the legal cannabis economy without growing a single plant, shipping a single product, or passing a single coherent policy.

Core Offerings:

• Schedule I Suppression™ - Still the GOAT. Keeps research gridlocked and competition asleep.

• Quota Throttle™ - Artificial scarcity engine. Caps THC production below demand, ensuring price distortion and criminalization stay profitable.

• Rescheduling Theater™ - Newest offering. Boosts stock prices for MSOs while preserving total DEA control over supply chain access.

• Monopoly Grow Agreement (Ole Miss License) - 55 years running. Produces federally compliant mid-grade cannabis for government contracts and the occasional frustrated grad student.
  

Revenue Streams (Estimated)

Division	Q1–Q2 “Control-Backed Value”
Civil Asset Forfeiture	$741 million
Licensing Arbitrage	$23 million
Lobby-Driven Rule Delays	Undisclosed
Pharma-Friendly Enforcement Gaps	Strategic

Note: These are "impact equivalents." Our real books are sealed tighter than Schedule I.

Market Outlook: Regulatory Monopoly Stays Winning

With the Controlled Substances Act still intact and “reform” being dictated by press release, we anticipate no meaningful changes to our operational advantage. Legal operators remain boxed in by our licensing system, and federal law continues to overrule every state experiment we don’t like.

“We're proud to foster innovation, so long as it’s expensive, delayed, and totally under our thumb.”

Investor Buzzwords for H2 2025

• “Harmonization” (means: more meetings)

• “Cross-agency alignment” (means: everyone passes the buck)

• “Streamlined oversight” (means: we’ll kill your license faster now)

• “Robust Schedule III framework” (means: trust us, we’re in charge)

• “Public-private cooperation” (means: we sold it to Pfizer)
  

Letter from the Administrator

“As your federally backed cannabis gatekeepers, we remain dedicated to managing risk, bottlenecking progress, and delaying federal clarity indefinitely. Every dispensary raid and research block reinforces our mission: ensuring nobody smokes weed legally without our permission — or our paperwork.” — DEA Administrator, July 2025