Roanoke College Offers New Bachelor's Degree in Cannabis. Students Graduate $120,000 in Debt to Accept $17/Hour Budtender Position

ROANOKE, VA — Roanoke College announced this week the launch of a new bachelor's degree in cannabis, giving students the opportunity to spend four years mastering cultivation, extraction, chemistry, genetics, compliance, business strategy, and cannabis policy before entering the workforce to hear one life-changing question:

"Can you start this Saturday?"

College officials hailed the program as another major step toward professionalizing the cannabis industry.

Cannabis operators hailed it as another excellent source of highly educated employees willing to explain the difference between live resin and live rosin to a customer who only wants "the strongest one."

The new curriculum includes coursework in cannabis biology, commercial cultivation, extraction science, plant genetics, analytical chemistry, entrepreneurship, regulation, and business management.

Industry executives praised the announcement, noting that cannabis desperately needs more educated professionals.

"We've been saying for years that we need to raise the standard," said one fictional MSO executive. "Now we just need somebody to convince these graduates that passion is part of their compensation package."

Students entering the inaugural class say they're excited about the possibilities.

"I've always dreamed of working in cannabis," said freshman Tyler Morrison. "My professors say this degree will open doors."

Current budtenders confirmed the door usually leads to the sales floor.

Graduates will reportedly enter the workforce armed with extensive knowledge of cannabinoid pharmacology, terpene interactions, regulatory compliance, commercial cultivation practices, and extraction methods.

Customers will reportedly continue asking exactly two questions:

"What's your highest THC?"

"...and which one gets me absolutely wrecked?"

"I'm not worried," Morrison added. "After four years of higher education, I'm sure employers will recognize the value of my degree."

Cannabis recruiters agreed before posting another job listing requiring:

• Bachelor's Degree Preferred

• Three years of cannabis experience

• Expert knowledge of Metrc

• Open availability, including nights, weekends, and holidays

• Must be able to lift 50 pounds

• Starting pay: $17/hour

Industry veterans applauded the college for preparing the next generation of cannabis professionals.

"They're going to learn chemistry, horticulture, finance, business law, supply chain management, and regulatory compliance," one operator said. "Which is perfect, because on day one we'll have them alphabetizing pre-rolls and explaining why the 31% THC flower is somehow better than the 29% THC flower."

Financial aid experts estimate many students could graduate with well into six figures of student loan debt depending on scholarships, housing, and tuition costs.

Fortunately, several dispensaries reportedly offer a 20% employee discount, which economists now estimate has become one of the strongest benefits packages in the industry.

College officials insist the degree isn't designed solely to produce budtenders.

"Our graduates will become researchers, cultivators, entrepreneurs, compliance specialists, executives, and innovators who help shape the future of cannabis."

The cannabis industry agreed.

Just as soon as someone retires.

At press time, Roanoke College announced it was already exploring a master's degree in cannabis leadership, allowing graduates to qualify for the highly coveted position of Assistant Regional Assistant Budtender.