Headchange Launches Hash-Infused Chocolate Starfish, Finally Gives Missouri Consumers a Butthole They Can Trust

ST. LOUIS, MO — Missouri cannabis company Headchange has reportedly pushed solventless innovation into previously unexplored territory with the launch of Chocolate Starfish, a line of hash-infused chocolates shaped like tiny buttholes.

Yes.

Buttholes.

Not vaguely butthole-inspired. Not an abstract circular design that immature people might interpret as an anus.

Chocolate starfish.

Hash infused.

Welcome to the future of cannabis.

The new product combines two things Missouri consumers have apparently been demanding for years: quality cannabis concentrates and the opportunity to look another adult directly in the eyes and say, "Would you like to eat a hash-infused asshole?"

Industry experts immediately praised the release as an important evolution for Missouri's increasingly competitive edible market, which until now had been constrained by the outdated belief that food should generally not resemble an anus.

"This is what innovation looks like," said one fictional industry analyst while slowly rotating a Chocolate Starfish under a tasting lamp. "Anybody can put rosin into a gummy. It takes vision to make somebody contemplate which side of a chocolate butthole they're supposed to bite first."

Headchange has built much of its reputation around concentrates, strain combinations, and products designed for consumers who actually give a shit about what's inside them.

Now, apparently, they've decided to give consumers something that looks like where shit comes out.

It's called vertical integration.

Probably.

The hash infusion is particularly important because this isn't some bargain-bin distillate asshole.

This is a craft asshole.

A connoisseur's asshole.

The kind of asshole where somebody at a dispensary can spend five minutes explaining the input material before handing it to you with a completely straight face.

"You're really going to notice the hash on the backend," one fictional budtender explained before immediately realizing there was absolutely no acceptable way to finish that sentence.

Retail employees across Missouri are reportedly preparing for an entirely new category of customer interactions.

"Do you have any Chocolate Starfish left?"

"How many assholes come in a package?"

"Can I mix and match assholes?"

"Which asshole hits the hardest?"

"Are the assholes indica or sativa?"

And, inevitably:

"Can I boof the asshole?"

Dispensary management teams have reportedly scheduled emergency staff meetings specifically to determine how many times an employee can say "butthole" during a transaction before it becomes an HR issue.

Marketing departments face an equally difficult challenge.

Traditional cannabis advertising has always relied on predictable imagery: dripping fruit, exploding terpenes, mountains, sunsets, astronauts and inexplicably attractive people standing in deserts.

Chocolate Starfish requires a slightly different approach.

There is no tasteful lifestyle photography for a hash-infused anus.

You simply photograph the asshole.

That's the campaign.

Cannabis influencers are reportedly already preparing unboxing videos, although several have asked whether the phrase "mouthfeel" can temporarily be removed from the industry's vocabulary.

Early product reviews are expected to evaluate the chocolates on flavor, potency, texture, hash quality and overall butthole accuracy.

The last category has already created controversy among judges.

"It's impressive," said one fictional reviewer examining the product carefully. "But I'm deducting two points for symmetry. A truly craft asshole should have some character."

Industry analysts believe the launch could trigger an entirely new wave of anatomically inspired cannabis products.

Competitors are reportedly exploring Rosin Taints, Live Resin Nipples, Infused Chocolate Nuts, and one product currently known only as The Gooch, which legal has strongly recommended never seeing daylight.

For Headchange, however, Chocolate Starfish represents something larger.

Cannabis spent years desperately trying to become sophisticated.

Companies hired executives from alcohol.

Brands hired luxury creative agencies.

Packaging became minimalist.

Everyone started talking about "consumer occasions."

Executives began describing weed using words like "premiumization."

And after billions of dollars of investment, thousands of conferences, endless rebrands and approximately nine million LinkedIn posts about destigmatization, Missouri cannabis has finally arrived at its natural destination:

Hash-infused chocolate assholes.

Beautiful.

No notes.

At press time, Missouri budtenders were reportedly practicing saying, "Would you like to add another asshole for $5?" without laughing.

Nobody has passed yet.