BREAKING: Alabama Determines Medical Cannabis More Dangerous Than Whiskey, Cigarettes, and Gas Station Sushi Combined

State officials conclude a joint of medically prescribed cannabis poses a greater threat than bourbon, Marlboro Reds, and a suspicious egg salad sandwich purchased next to diesel fuel.

MONTGOMERY, AL — In a bold new effort to protect public health from the terrifying dangers of government-approved medicine, Alabama regulators have reportedly concluded that medical cannabis now ranks somewhere between uranium and unpasteurized raccoon milk on the state's official Danger Scale.

Under updated medical cannabis rules, women deemed "capable of conception" must provide a negative pregnancy test before receiving physician certification for medical cannabis. Since certifications require ongoing renewals, critics have pointed out that many patients could effectively be taking pregnancy tests on a recurring basis just to continue receiving legal access to their medicine.

Officials insist the policy is about protecting patients.

Mostly from cannabis.

"We looked at the available evidence," said one fictional Alabama spokesperson while walking past a liquor store, a cigarette display, and three gas stations selling sushi that expired during the Obama administration. "The clear public health priority was making absolutely sure Karen can't buy a five-milligram gummy without first peeing in a cup."

According to sources inside the Alabama bureaucracy, the meeting lasted nearly six hours before lawmakers finally settled on the state's official Risk Hierarchy:

1. Medical cannabis.

2. Medical cannabis while pregnant.

3. Medical cannabis while thinking about becoming pregnant.

4. Everything else.

Industry observers were initially confused, believing the state might also require monthly pregnancy tests before purchasing:

• A handle of bottom-shelf whiskey.

• Two cartons of cigarettes.

• A 44-ounce energy drink called "Nuclear Rhino."

• Gas station sushi that's somehow both frozen and warm.

Officials quickly clarified that those products remain available with little more than a driver's license and questionable judgment.

"This isn't about consistency," another fictional regulator explained. "It's about making sure medical cannabis continues to clear the highest bureaucratic hurdle we could think of."

Patients across the state expressed mixed emotions.

Some were frustrated.

Some were confused.

Most were simply trying to understand how obtaining physician-recommended medicine had somehow become more administratively complicated than financing a bass boat.

Medical providers have also questioned the practical burden the policy places on patients and clinics, arguing that the additional testing requirements increase costs, delays, and paperwork without clear evidence they'll improve patient outcomes.

Fortunately, Alabama remains committed to reducing unnecessary government interference...

...just apparently not this week.

At press time, state lawmakers were reportedly considering similar safety measures for purchasing prenatal vitamins, while confirming that a carton of cigarettes and a bottle of whiskey would continue requiring nothing more than exact change.