BREAKING: Dosist Hit With Class Action After Women Accidentally Load Disposables Into Their Vaginas Like Misguided NASA Probes

America has finally birthed the class-action lawsuit it deserves: Dozens of women are suing Dosist after accidentally inserting the company’s sleek, tampon-adjacent disposables straight into their internal command centers.

Not because they were trying to get high through the Holy Gateway.

Not because TikTok told them to.

But because, say it with me, the damn pens look exactly like a tampon applicator designed by an Apple intern on microdosed mushrooms.

And the ER nurses?

Burnt out.

Traumatized.

Smelling faintly of citrus Calm blend.

THE INCIDENT WAVES: A NATIONAL CRISIS OF LOOK-ALIKE HARDWARE

According to the lawsuit, the confusion follows a near-identical ritual across multiple states:

Step 1:

Woman digs through purse chaos. Finds a sleek white cylinder among gum wrappers and existential dread.

Step 2:

Brain goes, “Oh. My tampon.”

Step 3:

Insertion begins with the confidence of someone who has done this 5,000 times without incident.

Step 4:

Object suddenly clicks, emits a soft electronic bloop, and begins puffing wellness clouds where wellness clouds have never been authorized.

Step 5:

Screaming.Shrieking.A brief but undeniable sensation of being “calm from the inside out,” followed by more screaming.

One ER report literally says:

“Patient described sensation as ‘my vagina thought it was at a vape convention.’”

God bless the medical system.

BUT THEN: BARB

And in the middle of this collective trauma tornado…There’s always one.

Barb.

Fifty-nine, cardigan enthusiast, beige minivan, definitely owns a bird.

Barb is the only woman in the lawsuit who wrote “no physical damages—actually curious about round two” on her intake form.

Her statement to the press is already canon:

“I didn’t realize anything was wrong until it started purring. But then I felt…relaxed? Like my vagina was vaping it. Straight to my bloodstream. Didn’t have a single cramp all day. Honestly? Kinda delightful.”

Doctors tried to explain why that’s not a good sign.

Barb waved them off.

Barb said she’s “open to innovation.”

Barb is singlehandedly ruining the class action.

DOSIST’S PR RESPONSE: A MASTERCLASS IN PANIC SWEAT

Dosist put out a statement with the energy of a brand that just Googled “product liability jail time”:

“We are deeply concerned about reported confusion and are exploring clearer labeling.”

Industry translation:

“We did not think ‘NOT FOR VAGINAL USE’ was a sentence we’d ever have to print, yet here the hell we are.”

Sources say the boardroom looks like a crime scene:

Half the execs crying, the CMO muttering “it was supposed to be minimalist,” and someone whispering, “why does it resemble a tampon more than a vape.”

THE REAL CULPRIT: CANNABIS BRANDS TERRIFIED OF LOOKING LIKE CANNABIS

This is what happens when the entire industry leans so hard into “wellness-core” that everything looks like a tampon, a serum, or Goop-approved pelvic hardware.

If you dropped half the top-selling disposables onto the floor of a Sephora, at least five women would shove one into themselves before you could yell, “THAT’S A VAPE—STOP—PLEASE—MA’AM—NO.”

Dosist is just the first brand to trigger “accidental vaginal misting” on a national scale.

A historic milestone.

A branding Darwin Award.

THE TAKEAWAY

Nobody is putting these things inside themselves on purpose.

They’re grabbing the wrong white plastic wellness wand in the chaos of everyday life, like God intended.

But one hero named Barb walked into the ER and said,“I don’t hate it.”

And that, truly, is the funniest outcome of all.

Dosist:

Maybe make your vape look less like a tampon.

Or at least prepare to put a warning label where the sun don’t shine.