Kash Patel Launches Cannabis Edible Designed to Replicate His Exact Eye Situation

By Boof du Jour

Scientists Say the Effect Is “Intense,” “Unsettling,” and “Legally Unclear”

In what experts are calling “the most honest cannabis branding of the decade,” Kash Patel has reportedly partnered with a cannabis edible company to launch a new line of gummies engineered to make your eyes look exactly like his.

The product line, officially branded Get Kashed™, promises users a rapid-onset experience characterized not by euphoria or relaxation-but by unblinking intensity, widened pupils, and the unmistakable facial expression of someone who knows something you don’t and absolutely refuses to explain it.

“It’s not about getting high,” said a spokesperson for the unnamed edible company. “It’s about looking like you’ve just read a classified document in a Chili’s parking lot.”

The Science of the Stare

According to internal testing documents leaked to Boof du Jour (printed on looseleaf and aggressively highlighted), Get Kashed gummies activate a previously undocumented response in the human face: The Perpetual Alert Mode.

Within 20–30 minutes, users report:

• Eyes widening beyond conversational norms

• A sudden inability to blink during basic dialogue

• The urge to lean forward and say “interesting…” repeatedly

• Extreme confidence paired with zero clarification

One beta tester described the experience as “being way too high, but only in your eyeballs.”

Another said, “I felt sober, but my reflection looked like it was about to testify.”

Branding That Finally Makes Sense

Each Get Kashed package reportedly features no milligram count, only a photo of Kash Patel staring directly into the camera and the warning:

“You’ll know when it hits.”

Flavors include:

• Wide-Eyed Watermelon

• Paranoid Pineapple

• Constitutional Cherry

• Deep-State Blue Raspberry

The company insists the product is strain-agnostic, explaining that “terpenes don’t matter when the effect is existential.”

Coining the Phrase: “Get Kashed”

Almost immediately after launch rumors hit LinkedIn, the phrase “Get Kashed” began circulating among cannabis executives, podcasters, and people who insist microphones are out to get them.

Usage examples include:

• “Careful with that gummy, bro - you’re about to get Kashed.”

• “I took half and now my eyes are doing… something.”

• “I didn’t even feel high, but my boss asked if I was okay.”

Industry analysts predict Get Kashed will be the first edible to be reviewed entirely through selfies.

Regulatory Response: We Don’t Have a Box for This

Federal and state regulators have declined to comment, citing confusion over whether the product constitutes:

• A cannabis edible

• A facial transformation device

• Or performance art

One anonymous compliance officer told Boof du Jour, “There’s no checkbox for ‘causes unsettling eye contact.’ We’re working on it.”

Patel’s Vision (Literally)

While Kash Patel has not formally confirmed the partnership, sources close to the situation say he was drawn to cannabis because it “aligns with asking questions people aren’t ready for.”

When reached for comment, Patel reportedly stared silently for seven seconds, nodded once, and said, “People are waking up.”

Which, coincidentally, is also the tagline on the back of the bag.

Boof du Jour will continue monitoring this story as Get Kashed inevitably becomes the official edible of podcasts recorded in rented studios with flags behind them.

Proceed accordingly.