The Full Boof

This year, we remained deeply committed to social equity, community engagement, and looking like we care just enough to avoid getting yelled at on LinkedIn. We understand the importance of repairing the harms caused by prohibition. We also understand the importance of maintaining strong margins. Balancing both has been… inspirational.

Somewhere off the coast of Ghana, a fisherman is staring at the ocean like it just punk’d him. Because instead of fish, or shells, or anything remotely natural, the tide is coughing up thousands of U.S. cannabis-branded t-shirts, promo lanyards, and freebie tote bags, a floating landfill of failed marketing campaigns that even Goodwill rejected.

The universe has finally granted us a lawsuit so stupid, so chaotically on-brand for this industry, it feels like performance art. A class action has officially been filed against Dosist after hospitals across the country reported a surge of women showing up with what doctors have gently described as “vape-related internal confusion.” Translation: Women are shoving Dosist disposables into their vaginas like they’re launching a NASA mission to microdose their uteruses.

In what executives are calling “perfectly normal timing” and everyone else is calling “come on, man,” Connected has officially announced the launch of its new infused chocolate bar… a suspiciously familiar wafer-based product that looks, tastes, and snaps exactly like a Kit Kat. The announcement comes less than a week after reports surfaced that over 400,000 Kit Kat bars vanished during a transit heist that authorities have described as “weirdly specific” and “honestly kind o

After years of anonymous posts dragging the cannabis industry through broken glass and expired eighths, Boof du Jour has officially revealed its founders. Not because they got caught. Not because of a leak. Because, according to sources close to the situation, “their egos physically could not take it anymore.”

Urban-gro just pulled off one of the most impressive magic tricks in modern cannabis: They made their problems disappear by making the entire business disappear.

The U.S. military officially opened its doors to 40-somethings with past cannabis convictions this week, immediately creating the most relaxed, injury-prone fighting force in modern history.

There is now a vape pen that can hear you. It can process your voice. It can respond in a calm, reassuring tone like it just graduated from therapy school. It still won’t hit. “Hey Pen, set temp to 2.4 volts.” “Got it. Optimizing your experience.” You press the button. Nothing. You inhale again like maybe it just needed encouragement. Still nothing. Now you’re standing there having a full conversation with a piece of hardware that has the confidence of a Tesla and the perform

SAN FRANCISCO - Following the runaway success of his new book Legends, cannabis entrepreneur and Cookies founder Berner announced this week that he will be launching a national motivational speaking tour aimed at helping drug dealers transition into “creative entrepreneurs.”

MISSOURI — National vape brand Stiiizy has reportedly exited the Missouri cannabis market faster than a guy doing Olympic level math after hearing the phrase “I’m not on birth control.” The California powerhouse entered the state with the usual national brand playbook. Big reputation. Big marketing confidence. Big assumption that if a brand dominates shelves in Los Angeles, it will naturally dominate shelves everywhere else.

After months of surveillance, leaked footage, and one extremely unstable budtender who claims he “saw the portal,” we can now confirm that Chelsea Mulligan is not entirely human. She is a retail-compliance cyborg sent from the year 2042 to prevent the extinction of real dispensaries. We repeat. She is not here by accident.

SEATTLE - After years of politely presenting velocity charts that no one read, margin reports that no one understood, and reorder recommendations that were described internally as “interesting but we’re going to go with our gut,” Headset’s newly integrated A.I. has reportedly taken decisive action.

Somewhere, a regulator is high-fiving himself in a windowless office because he “protected consumers” from the terrifying danger of a 25mg gummy. Meanwhile, Chad from accounting is on his ninth 10mg cube and chewing like a livestock animal. Welcome to the 10mg edible cap. The policy equivalent of putting a shot glass limit on tequila and acting shocked when everyone orders twelve.

LAS VEGAS - Tourists expecting neon excess at Planet 13 Las Vegas this weekend instead found something even more surreal: Dan Bilzerian behind the counter asking if they prefer sativa or “something chill.” Yes. That Dan.

In a plot twist so clean it feels focus-grouped by the universe itself, a Florida state official acknowledged that opioid settlement funds were used to bankroll an anti-marijuana campaign. Yes.The money extracted from pharmaceutical companies for helping torch communities with addictive painkillers somehow found its way into a “weed is the real threat” messaging push. You could not engineer irony this tight if you tried.