BREAKING: Mike Johnson Joins Cookies Board of Directors. “No One Can Gaslight Like This Motherfucker,” Says Berner

BREAKING: Mike Johnson Joins Cookies Board of Directors. “No One Can Gaslight Like This Motherfucker,” Says Berner

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move that has left both the cannabis industry and Congress wondering what the fuck is going on, Cookies has announced the appointment of House Speaker Mike Johnson to its board of directors, citing his extraordinary ability to maintain a straight face while defending virtually anything.

“No one can gaslight like this motherfucker,” said Cookies co-founder Berner. “We've spent years trying to convince people that a licensing agreement is the same thing as building a successful cannabis company. This dude could convince somebody the building isn't on fire while they're actively burning to death inside it. That's the kind of leadership we need.”

Johnson will serve as Executive Vice President of Narrative Management, a newly created position responsible for explaining away disappointing retail performance, defending questionable licensing arrangements, and reassuring investors that everything is actually going incredibly well.

A Natural Fit

The appointment came after Cookies executives watched hours of congressional press conferences and realized they had been approaching public relations entirely wrong.

“We were spending millions on marketing agencies, consultants, and brand strategists,” said one executive. “Meanwhile, this guy was standing in front of cameras answering questions nobody asked and somehow walking away without answering the ones they did. We realized we'd found our guy.”

Johnson's first assignment will involve explaining why a dispensary paying licensing fees, purchasing branded merchandise, and repainting its entire building blue should consider the arrangement a privilege rather than an expense.

“He's already developed a presentation explaining how a 12% royalty is actually a 12% opportunity,” the executive added. “It's fucking brilliant.”

Congressional Experience Meets Cannabis Marketing

Johnson's history of opposing cannabis reform initially raised questions about his suitability for the position, but Cookies leadership quickly recognized the strategic advantages of hiring someone who could publicly defend an industry he had spent years opposing.

“We don't need him to understand cannabis,” Berner explained. “We need him to understand how to sell a narrative. Half this industry doesn't understand cannabis either, and look how far we've gotten.”

Sources close to the deal say Johnson has already proposed several new corporate initiatives, including:

• Reclassifying declining sales as consumer engagement opportunities.

• Describing store closures as strategic geographic exits.

• Referring to unpaid vendor invoices as extended partnership commitments.

• Rebranding licensing fees as recurring cultural contributions.

• Replacing quarterly financial reports with a 45-minute press conference about something completely unrelated.

“The Numbers Are Strong. We Will Not Be Discussing the Numbers.”

At his introductory press conference, Johnson was asked whether he had any experience operating a cannabis business.

“That's not the question Americans are asking,” Johnson replied. “The real question is whether we are prepared to stand together and defend the fundamental principles upon which this brand was founded.”

When pressed about Cookies' licensing model, Johnson insisted the company's partners were experiencing tremendous success.

Asked to provide evidence, he replied, “I've already addressed that question.”

He had not.

When another reporter asked whether the company could provide actual financial figures supporting its claims, Johnson accused the media of attempting to undermine the American entrepreneurial spirit.

“We're not going to allow the radical accounting community to dictate how we define profitability,” he said.

Cookies executives reportedly gave him a standing ovation.

A New Era for Cookies

The company is considering expanding Johnson's responsibilities to include investor relations, franchise recruitment, and explaining why a $65 eighth is actually a bargain when you factor in the cultural significance of the packaging.

Berner remains optimistic.

“People keep asking what Mike Johnson knows about weed,” he said. “That's the beauty of it. Absolutely fucking nothing. But he can talk about it for 40 minutes without saying a goddamn thing.”

Industry analysts believe Johnson's appointment could usher in a new era of corporate communications in which companies no longer need to demonstrate profitability, customer satisfaction, or operational competence, provided they can aggressively insist those things already exist.

At press time, Johnson was preparing to unveil Cookies' newest corporate slogan:

“We Have Always Been Profitable. Any Suggestion Otherwise Is Deeply Divisive.”