“Shank & Bake: Infused Prison Burrito Roll-Up”

Handcrafted in the proud tradition of anyone who’s ever said, “Nah, I don’t need a bowl, the bag IS the bowl.”

Ingredients

• 1 family-sized bag of off-brand cheese curls (the dustier, the better)

• 1 pack of ramen (flavor packet: “despair”)

• 1 Slim Jim, chopped like you’re doing time

• Hot water, preferably from a sink that screams when you turn it on

• 1 syringe of distillate (bonus points if it looks suspiciously medical)

Prep Instructions

1. Crush the cheese curls inside the bag like you're settling a score in Cell Block D.

2. Break up the ramen and toss it in. No need to be delicate, this isn’t a cooking show, it’s survival.

3. Add the Slim Jim chunks. This is your “protein,” in the same way that a Capri Sun is “hydration.”

4. Slow pour hot water into the bag until it becomes a steaming, gluey mass of sodium and regret.

5. Seal the bag and let it “cook” under your armpit or between two couch cushions, the traditional method.

6. When it firms up like a sad orange brick, unroll the bag and hit it with a heavy, unapologetic line of distillate right down the top.

7. Don’t mix it in. Let the THC ride shotgun like a contraband passenger.

Tasting Notes

• Texture: Play-Doh that trained at a high-security facility.

• Flavor: Hot Cheeto purgatory meets lukewarm beef stick.

• Vibes: Court-mandated.

Chef’s Commentary

“This dish challenges the boundaries of cuisine by being technically edible.”