$2M Anti-Aging Freak vs. Chuck from Enterprise—Who’s Actually Healthier?

By Boof du Jour | Reporting live from the breakroom breathalyzer booth

Spoiler: One of them microdoses stem cells. The other smokes mids and still wins.

In the world’s most unnecessary health showdown, we put Bryan Johnson—tech millionaire, human lab rat, and walking Neutrogena ad—head-to-head with Chuck—a 34-year-old assistant manager at Enterprise Car Rental who eats gas station sushi and owns exactly one towel.

Bryan spends $2 million a year biohacking his aging flesh into a medically unstable LEGO figure. Chuck spends $40 a week on weed, eats pizza crusts off paper plates, and has somehow never once caught COVID, a cold, or feelings.

So who’s really thriving?

Let’s break it down:

Lung Capacity Test

Bryan: Uses a $4,000 lung expander and inhales purified Himalayan air harvested by monks on retainer. His peak oxygen intake? 61 ml/kg/min.

Chuck: Took one pull off a blunt of GMO and blew a 72. “I play rec league dodgeball and never hit carts,” he shrugged, mid-hit. “Flower only. Respect my endocannabinoids.”

Conclusion: Chuck’s alveoli are apparently powered by terpenes and spite.

Escape Room IQ Simulation

Bryan: Solved the room in 25 minutes. Used biometric feedback from an armpit chip to calculate door code probabilities. Claimed “the real win is neuroplasticity.”

Chuck: Lit a joint with the emergency fire sensor, picked the lock with a lanyard toothpick, and escaped in 0.47 seconds.

When asked how, he said: “Watched a lotta MacGyver as a kid. Plus I had a free rental to return.”

Blood Oxygen + Recovery

Bryan: Requires IV infusions, hyperbaric chambers, and synthetic teenage blood to maintain 98% saturation. He doesn’t drink. He doesn’t blink. He might be made of tofu.

Chuck: Ate half a Hot Pocket, walked two flights of stairs, and still clocked a 99.3% SpO₂ while singing along to Sublime. His resting heart rate dropped mid-joint.

Dr. Leigh H., cannabis researcher: “Chuck’s ECS [endocannabinoid system] is in a constant state of stoned homeostasis. It’s like a goddamn massage chair for your organs.”

Skin Elasticity & Cellular Age

Bryan: Has the skin tone of a peeled shrimp and the vibe of an art museum ghost. His doctors say his biological age is 18. His aura says “crypt keeper.”

Chuck: Technically has a farmer’s tan, a neck tattoo from 2009, and crow’s feet that tell real stories. But under a UV scanner? Cellular age of 26.

“Must be all the CBD,” he says. “Or the lack of stress from not giving a fuck.”

Sleep Quality

Bryan: Sleeps in a cryogenic oxygen cocoon with vibration dampeners and hormone-timed lighting. Still wakes up confused.

Chuck: Sleeps on a futon with a weighted blanket, two cats, and The Simpsons DVD menu on loop. Sleeps eight hours every night, dreams in HD, and wakes up rested enough to argue about pineapple on pizza.

“Melatonin is for nerds,” Chuck says. “Smoke a bowl and let the cannabinoids tuck you in.”

Final Verdict: The People's Champ

Bryan Johnson is aging backwards at the molecular level and still looks like a haunted choir boy. Chuck is aging like a fine Taco Bell wrapper — soft, resilient, and inexplicably functional.

Chuck wins. Science agrees. Weed prevails.