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The Full Boof
Inside the Velvet Ropes of Weed Elitism: Boof du Jour Infiltrates a Members-Only Cannabis Lounge
The weed is mid, the vibes are tense, and I paid $75 to be judged by a man in loafers named Chadwick. Welcome to luxury cannabis for...
Jun 274 min read
Have a Heart Announces New ‘Smash & Dash’ Delivery Service, Hires Kia Boys as Drivers
A Logistics Model so Unhinged it Somehow Makes DoorDash Look Like the Postal Service. TACOMA, WA — I’ve just been nearly run over by a...
Jun 183 min read
Systematically Assessed and Spiritually Lost: The MJ Unpacked Cannabis Cup Is an Idiocracy Trophy Ceremony for the Certified Delusional
Filed live from Atlantic City by your terp-scorched, eye-twitching Boof du Jour correspondent who just witnessed the SAP in action and...
Jun 183 min read
I Went to a Cannabis Hiring Fair and Somehow Ended Up Regional Manager
Filed from California, where dreams go to get turned into vape carts and lawsuits LOS ANGELES — It’s 10:13 AM and I’m already sweating...
Jun 183 min read
Terpli AI Virtual Budtender Has Existential Crisis After 4,000th Customer Asks for 'Your Highest THC, Bro'
“We're updating the model to just recommend GMO and say, ‘Hell yeah, bro.’ It's what the people want.” t’s 3:12 PM and I’m crammed into...
Jun 183 min read
Seth Yakatan Is a Time-Traveler Who Cheated at Cannabis History (And Honestly, That Checks Out)
He didn’t cheat the game — he just played it a few centuries early. SEATTLE, WA — Seth Yakatan didn’t rise through the cannabis ranks—he...
Jun 183 min read
“Weed for Warriors” Charity Game Canceled After Both Teams Forfeit Due to Lack of Veterans, Planning, or Basic Interest
Live from the most embarrassing Memorial Day cannabis event in the country ST. CHARLES, MO — It’s Memorial Day, and I’m standing in a...
Jun 183 min read
From Oxford to Oblivion: How a Tory Peer, Snoop Dogg, and a Tobacco Megacorp Burned Millions on a Cannabis Pipe Dream
A Case Study in Overbranding, Underdelivering, and Executive-Level Delusion LONDON — Oxford Cannabinoid Technologies, once heralded as...
Jun 183 min read
70-Year-Old Scotsman Busted for Running $3M Cannabis Grow, Claims It Was for Retirement Bingo Fund
“Aye, the pension wasn’t cutting it. Plus, I got tired of making jam.” GLASGOW, SCOTLAND — In a shocking-yet-inspiring turn of events,...
Jun 182 min read
HEXO Announces NFT Series to Commemorate Every Bad Acquisition They’ve Ever Made
Each NFT captures a proud moment in HEXO’s long tradition of spending big, due diligencing never, and calling it “strategic growth”...
Jun 182 min read
Missouri Grants Transport License to Man with a Lime Scooter and a Trash Bag
Citing “low barriers to entry” and “vibes,” the state issued credentials to a man seen zipping down I-70 with flower, edibles, and what...
Jun 182 min read
$2M Anti-Aging Freak vs. Chuck from Enterprise—Who’s Actually Healthier?
In the world’s most unnecessary health showdown, we put Bryan Johnson—tech millionaire, human lab rat, and walking Neutrogena ad—head-to-head with Chuck—a 34-year-old assistant manager at Enterprise Car Rental who eats gas station sushi and owns exactly one towel.
May 222 min read
Cannabis Companies Raise Prices Citing Tariffs, Musk Tweets, and Mercury in Gatorade
By Boof du Jour Staff Inflation-choked, terp-deprived, and financially abused In an industry where a stale eighth already costs more...
Apr 294 min read
Adam Bierman Launches ‘Weed Empire: The Game Show’ – Where Social Equity Applicants Battle to the Death for a Dispensary License He Doesn’t Even Own
By the Boof du Jour Investigative Team LOS ANGELES — In the kind of plot twist that makes late-stage capitalism feel like a snuff film,...
Apr 295 min read
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