HEXO Announces NFT Series to Commemorate Every Bad Acquisition They’ve Ever Made

Each NFT captures a proud moment in HEXO’s long tradition of spending big, due diligencing never, and calling it “strategic growth” through gritted teeth.

GATINEAU, QUEBEC — In a bold pivot from lighting investor money on fire just once per quarter, HEXO Corp has announced the launch of a commemorative NFT collection immortalizing every catastrophic acquisition, failed merger, and “synergistic realignment” that cratered their stock and credibility.

Dubbed “HighBurned: The HEXO Hall of Shame”, the NFT series will feature limited-edition digital art representations of:

• The Zenabis “Reverse Alchemy” Deal, where HEXO managed to turn $235M into a cautionary tale.

• The Newstrike Debacle, remembered fondly as “the Tragically Bought.”

• The Molson Coors Joint Venture, which investors described as “the financial version of pissing in a bong.”

  
  

Each NFT includes exclusive audio of a former HEXO executive saying “We believe this positions us as a global cannabis leader,” followed by the sound of a stock ticker flatlining and a compliance officer weeping into a can of THC-infused sparkling water.

CEO Statement

HEXO’s interim CEO (it changes monthly, so we’re not printing the name) released a statement from the company’s shared office/escape room:

“Web3 allows us to preserve our legacy of strategic incoherence in a decentralized, immutable way—kind of like our debt.”

“We’re thrilled to give loyal shareholders a chance to own the disasters that destroyed their portfolios. It’s about connection. And tax-loss harvesting.”

Boof Index Update: HEXO

• Boof Risk Rating: Unhedged Optimism w/ a 90% drawdown floor

• Synergy Score: Technically negative—creating anti-value on a molecular level

• Cash Position: Mostly theoretical, like their path to profitability

• Executive Retention: Comparable to a vape battery at 4%

• NFT Rarity Score: “Ultra-Rare” if the acquisition wasn’t a total dumpster fire

  
  

Market Response

In pre-market trading, HEXO’s penny stock wobbled like a chihuahua on molly, before stabilizing at “not quite delisted.” Reddit investors briefly tried pumping the stock under the hashtag #BurnItDownToPumpItUp, but most gave up halfway through typing HEXO’s full acquisition history.

Meanwhile, actual cannabis operators doing real work took a moment to laugh, light a joint, and return to making mid-grade flower that at least gets you high.

Analyst Breakdown: The HighBurned Collection

Featured NFTs include:

• “Molson Merger Misery”: A photorealistic can of CBD seltzer with the flavor “Blood of Investors.”

• “Zenabis ‘Synergy’ Shotgun Wedding”: 3D rendering of two crashing planes taped together mid-air.

• “Reverse Split Striptease”: A looping .gif of HEXO’s market cap performing a disappearing act in a leotard made of quarterly reports.

• “$0.13 Club”: A pixelated trading screen frozen on the day HEXO dropped below legal dignity.

  
  

Collectors can mint each NFT for 0.042 ETH—roughly equivalent to the emotional value of a HEXO share after 2019.

Forward Guidance:

HEXO’s roadmap includes plans for:

• A metaverse dispensary built inside a failed Dreams Mattress Outlet.

• A tokenized debt-forgiveness DAO called “Hex-communicate”.

• Hiring an AI to write press releases using only the words “robust,” “restructure,” and “unlock shareholder value.”

  
  

Spoiler: It won’t.

Boof du Jour assigns HEXO a "Sell if You're Conscious" rating. Or better yet—just walk into the forest and let the wind carry your shares away. It’ll do more for your portfolio than this NFT drop ever will.