Have a Heart Announces New ‘Smash & Dash’ Delivery Service, Hires Kia Boys as Drivers

A Logistics Model so Unhinged it Somehow Makes DoorDash Look Like the Postal Service.

TACOMA, WA — I’ve just been nearly run over by a 2007 Kia Optima with no plates, a dangling bumper, and the words “FIRE ZAZA” spray-painted on the hood. Inside? Two teenagers vaping aggressively and screaming “SIX-STAR DROP, BITCH!” as they tossed a Mylar bag out the window and peeled off into a CVS parking lot.

This is not a robbery. This is the official launch of Have a Heart’s new “Smash & Dash™” delivery service — a logistics model so unhinged it somehow makes DoorDash look like the Postal Service.

According to internal sources (and a very sweaty assistant manager holding a clipboard with the words “No Witnesses, No Problems”), the company is actively recruiting from the viral TikTok group known as the Kia Boys — infamous for boosting Hyundais and Kias using USB cords, and now apparently licensed, barely, to deliver eighths and dab pens.

"Why pay for armored vans when you can hire chaos?" — Have a Heart exec, allegedly

The marketing materials claim “Smash & Dash brings your favorite strains with urban agility, raw authenticity, and same-day adrenaline.” Translation: they’ve stopped pretending to care about logistics and are now leaning full throttle into street crime aesthetics as a brand strategy.

“We’re not just delivering weed,” said one regional manager with a Bluetooth in one ear and a warrant in the other. “We’re decentralizing trust. It’s like blockchain, but with more stolen cars.”

I asked what happens if the delivery goes wrong.

“Then you weren’t meant to have it,” he replied.

Scene Report: The Mayhem Hits the Streets

At the “launch party” in a church parking lot turned staging area, I watched dozens of teenagers with ski masks and ankle monitors jump in and out of salvaged Kias, scanning barcodes taped to duffel bags full of Allegedly Legal Flower™ and speed-testing deliveries like it was Need for Speed: Trap Edition.

One driver, who gave his name as Lil Mech, told me he averages 18 deliveries an hour and is paid in both store credit and vape juice.

“I made four racks last week and only hit two mailboxes,” he said proudly. “This ain’t even weed delivery, bro. This is fuckin’ esports.”

Inside the “dispatch tent,” an unpaid intern frantically tries to keep up with incoming orders and damage claims. He shows me a broken screen filled with alerts like:

• “Customer says driver ran over mailbox but left weed — 4 stars.”

• “Dash cam lost. Again.”

• “Did we lose a Kia in Auburn?”
  

Brand, Safety, and Legal Vibes

Local police told Boof du Jour they “are aware of the program” but declined further comment while watching security cam footage of a Smash & Dash driver doing donuts outside a retirement home.

Meanwhile, Have a Heart has doubled down on the launch. A leaked internal deck shows future plans to:

• Expand into “Evasion-Based Delivery Zones”

• Offer “Midsurance” — a customer loyalty plan that refunds you with shake if your order doesn’t arrive

• Launch a referral program where you earn points for each car you hotwire in the name of speed-to-door
  

“The market doesn’t care how the weed gets there,” one executive allegedly said in a Zoom meeting. “It just cares that it arrives fast and with drip.”

Final Puff

This isn’t delivery. This is brand-driven vehicular terrorism disguised as innovation.

Have a Heart has essentially decided that since cannabis is still federally illegal, they might as well operate like it. What started as a medical dispensary now feels like an UberEats franchise run by the cast of Grand Theft Auto V.

If you live in Washington and hear tires screeching followed by a bag of Gary Payton hitting your porch, congratulations — you’ve survived the beta test.

Boof du Jour will continue reporting from the frontlines of retail madness until another Kia smashes through a vape shop. Pray for your mailbox. Hide your cat. Tip your driver in trauma kits.