Hemp is Over: Congress Accidentally Votes to Ban Half the Industry While Thinking About Their Grandkids
- Boof du Jour
- Jun 24
- 4 min read
Federal Hemp Ban Triggers Mass Panic Among D8 Vultures, D9 Orphans, and Every Warehouse White Labeler in Oklahoma
Boofonomics Report — June 2025
Washington has finally done it. After years of ignoring cannabis policy, the U.S. House has decided to step in—and naturally, they targeted the wrong fucking thing.
The latest amendment to the 2024 Farm Bill, approved in committee, would ban all intoxicating cannabinoids derived from hemp, effectively torching delta-8, delta-10, THC-O, HHC, and half the businesses still pretending to be profitable. The proposal—championed by lawmakers who still think weed turns teens into jazz musicians—would reclassify these cannabinoids as “synthetic,” despite the fact that most are about as synthetic as baby formula and as regulated as a back alley hot dog cart.
Markets reacted swiftly. Panic buying hit vape wholesalers in Florida. Shopify stores offering “LEGAL THC” crashed. And one Mississippi startup tried to relist itself as a kombucha brand to survive the selloff.
Boof Index Rating: HEMP THC SECTOR
Executive Stability: Fragile like a Charlotte’s Web gummy in the sun
Regulatory Risk: One angry PTA meeting away from extinction
Investor Transparency: 404 Error
Likelihood This Law Was Written by Someone With a Brain: 2.3%
“But It’s Legal!” — A Billion-Dollar Lie That Died in Committee
For years, hemp-derived THC brands have thrived in the regulatory gray zone between a 2018 farm bill written by sleepy corn-state senators and the complete failure of the DEA to Google anything.
Delta-8? Legal-ish. Delta-10? Sounds made up. HHC? No one even knows what the fuck it is.
And yet these products became the backbone of an entire shadow cannabis market—fueled by gas station stoners, vape influencers, and sorority girls who think “indica” is a Spotify genre. By some estimates, hemp-derived THC accounted for $2.5–3 billion in annual revenue, most of it completely untaxed, unregulated, and unlabeled—just like God and capitalism intended.
But now, thanks to bipartisan ignorance and a few well-funded lobbyists from traditional cannabis, the government has realized: “Wait, people are getting high for cheap? We should criminalize that.”
The Real Reason This Ban Exists: Protecting MSOs from Actual Competition
Forget the safety arguments. This bill isn’t about children, lab tests, or public health. It’s about protecting the state-licensed, venture-backed weed monopolies that got outmaneuvered by dudes with Shopify accounts and 55-gallon drums of CBD isolate.
Delta-8 killed margins. D9 hemp took shelf space. Mids smoked better.And worst of all? Nobody needed a license.
CURALEAF reportedly sent a thank-you fruit basket to the House Agriculture Committee.Trulieve’s comms team prepped a social media post titled “We Believe In Safe Access™” that subtly links hemp to Satan.
Meanwhile, one anonymous MSO exec told Boof du Jour:
“We’re just glad Congress is finally taking cannabis seriously. By which I mean, banning it in ways that benefit us.”
Science? Never Heard of Her.
The language in the bill reclassifies any cannabinoid “synthesized or manufactured” from hemp extract as a Schedule I substance—meaning it's now legally treated the same as heroin, meth, and looking directly at Nancy Pelosi.
This includes nearly every popular cannabinoid that consumers have access to in non-legal states. The FDA still hasn’t defined what synthetic means, but that didn’t stop Congress from using the word 23 times in a bill shorter than a dispensary receipt.
Analysts believe this leaves the door open to future bans on minor cannabinoids like CBN, CBC, and even CBD in high doses, especially if they start showing up in head shops next to dick pills and kratom tea.
Investment Fallout: Welcome to the Great Hemp Recession
Following the bill’s passage in committee:
Oklahoma-based D8 conglomerate STONEDELIC™ laid off 300 employees and is now pivoting to wellness candles.
A North Carolina hemp co-op emailed their entire list with the subject line “It’s Over.”
One Colorado hemp lab announced an emergency pivot to essential oils and amateur podcasting.
Vape packaging manufacturers saw a 12% drop in orders, and gummy suppliers across Utah have begun offloading inventory to flea markets, gas stations, and one particularly lawless Dollar General in southern Georgia.
Market Reactions: The Blunt Truth from Analysts
“This bill is the legislative equivalent of swatting a bee with a bazooka while the actual bear eats your food.”— Maddie Lodeski, Analyst at Puff Capital
“It’s amazing how fast Congress moves when someone mentions ‘kids getting high’ but can’t be bothered to decriminalize weed nationwide.”— Dre Simmons, Black Market Economist & former D8 Formulator
“Frankly, I was shocked to learn we even had a hemp policy. I thought that was a skincare ingredient.”— Rep. Greg Friedrick (R-KS), who voted yes on the bill
Bottom Line: Hemp is Dead. Long Live the Dispensary Mids.
This isn’t about science. It’s not about consumer safety. It’s about keeping weed expensive, boring, and owned by the same six assholes.
If the bill passes the full House and Senate, millions of people who live in non-legal states will be pushed back to street dealers or overpriced THC-A flower from one of two brands still shipping in plain cardboard.
And don’t expect your dispensary to celebrate. They won’t lower prices. They won’t increase quality. They’ll just quietly remove their “hemp-derived” SKUs, raise prices again, and post a Black Friday sale for 20% off a half-ounce of PM-ridden Runtz.
So light a candle for the D8 soldiers. Pour one out for the gas station gummies. And salute the hustle that, for a brief moment, let Americans get high without asking for corporate permission.
Congress just killed the last part of weed that felt like freedom.
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