PAX Allegedly Rolled Out a Vape That Detects If You’re a “Weed Person” — and Shuts Off

By Boof du Jour

According to sources who “definitely signed NDAs but are emotionally free,” Pax has been testing a new firmware update that uses behavioral analysis to determine whether you deserve to get high.

If the device senses you might be a weed person, it simply… won’t hit.

How Pax’s Weed Detection™ Works

The device allegedly scans its surroundings and your behavior in real time.

🚫 Automatic Shutdown Triggers:

• You’re wearing sweatpants, cargo shorts, or anything with resin on it

• Someone in the room says “this batch is fire”

• A grinder is visible within a 10-foot radius

• You ask what farm it came from

• You say the word “terpy” unironically

✅ Approved User Signals:

• Business casual attire (bonus points for Patagonia)

• Cold brew present

• You say “I don’t usually smoke, but…”

• You call it “a light buzz”

• You’re on a rooftop or near a standing desk

If standards aren’t met, the app displays:

“Pax is designed for intentional, elevated experiences. Please change environments or upgrade your lifestyle.”

Beta Feature: Business Casual Lock™

Sources say the device now refuses to heat unless:

• At least one person in the room owns equity

• No one has ever owned a bong

• HR would feel “neutral” about the space

Users reported the device unlocking immediately after:

• Putting on a vest

• Removing all posters

• Saying “we’re disrupting wellness” out loud

Internal Pax Notes (Leaked, Obviously)

“Our data shows cannabis use becomes problematic when the user knows too much about cannabis.”

Another slide reportedly reads:

“If the consumer can roll a joint, they are not our consumer.”

Early User Reviews

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

“Didn’t get me high, but I did feel incredibly aligned.”

⭐️⭐️

“Shut off when my friend asked where the weed came from.”

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

“Works great until someone says ‘stoned.’ Then it bricks.”

Boof Take

Pax didn’t build a vape for cannabis users. They built a weed firewall.

A device so refined it protects itself from the culture that created the plant in the first place.

Cannabis, but only if you pass the vibe check.