University of Maryland Claims Ownership of “Terps,” Apple Expected to Sue Orchards Next

COLLEGE PARK, MD — The University of Maryland has sent a cease-and-desist letter to cannabis company Terps USA over its use of the word “Terps,” finally addressing one of the most serious intellectual property crises facing higher education today: people shortening the word terpenes.

Maryland, whose athletic teams have been known as the Terrapins and commonly called the “Terps” for decades, argues that Terps USA's name and previous branding could create confusion with the university's trademarks.

Terps USA, meanwhile, operates in the cannabis industry, where “terps” is what approximately every person on Earth calls terpenes because nobody working behind a dispensary counter has the fucking time to say all three syllables.

The disagreement has reportedly sent shockwaves through America's corporate legal departments, where executives are only now realizing they've potentially left billions of dollars on the table by allowing regular people to use words that happen to resemble their trademarks.

Apple attorneys were reportedly dispatched to several orchards Thursday morning.

“This has been happening right underneath our noses,” said a fictional Apple attorney while confiscating a bushel of Honeycrisps from a roadside fruit stand. “These people aren't even attempting to hide it. They're literally putting signs on the highway that say APPLES.”

The company is reportedly investigating thousands of orchards, grocery stores, farmers markets and elementary school teachers who have spent decades encouraging children to eat what Apple now describes as “unauthorized handheld fruit bearing a confusingly similar name.”

Farmers have been given 30 days to begin referring to apples as round tree produce or face litigation.

Apple Pie will now be known as Warm Cinnamon Litigation Tart.

The University of Maryland dispute began when the school objected to Terps USA's name and branding, arguing that consumers could potentially believe the company's terpene products were somehow affiliated with or endorsed by the university.

Terps USA has pushed back, arguing that “terps” is widely used cannabis-industry terminology for terpenes and that the company has established trademark rights of its own.

Which means somewhere, actual attorneys are currently billing hundreds of dollars per hour to professionally debate who owns the word everybody at a dispensary has been casually yelling since 2012.

The implications could be enormous.

If Maryland successfully establishes broad control over “Terps,” virtually every dispensary in America could be sitting on an intellectual property time bomb.

“What's the terp profile?”

Lawsuit.

“This flower has great terps.”

Lawsuit.

“Those terps are insane.”

Lawsuit.

“Keep the jar closed so you don't lose the terps.”

Federal fucking court.

University attorneys are reportedly preparing an enforcement team for the next major cannabis conference, where representatives will quietly stand near booths waiting for someone to describe flower as “terpy.”

Early estimates suggest Maryland could completely eliminate its student debt problem by spending approximately six hours at MJBizCon.

Budtenders may be particularly vulnerable.

According to completely fabricated Boof du Jour calculations, the average experienced budtender says “terps” approximately 47 times per shift, creating potential trademark exposure exceeding their annual salary before lunch.

Dispensaries have already begun preparing employees for the new regulatory environment.

“From this point forward, please say terpenes,” read one fictional company memo.

“Do not abbreviate.”

“Do not say terpy.”

“Do not say terp profile.”

“And under absolutely no circumstances should anyone recommend the Durban Poison to a customer wearing a Maryland hoodie.”

Other major corporations quickly began reviewing their own trademarks for previously overlooked revenue opportunities.

Shell announced an investigation into approximately 1.2 trillion seashells currently operating without licensing agreements.

Target attorneys have begun photographing archery ranges.

Dove dispatched representatives to several bird sanctuaries.

Ford is reportedly researching whether people can legally ford a river without first visiting an authorized dealership.

Amazon has given Brazil until Tuesday to explain itself.

Subway has reportedly contacted New York City's Metropolitan Transportation Authority regarding what it described as “one of the most brazen and long-running examples of trademark infringement in American history.”

“We opened in 1965,” said a fictional Subway spokesperson.

“The New York City subway has been operating since 1904,” a reporter responded.

“Our attorneys have advised us not to comment on the timeline.”

Cannabis companies, however, remain especially concerned about Maryland's newfound interest in terpene terminology.

For years the industry has built entire product categories around phrases like “high terpene extract,” “terp sauce,” “terp diamonds,” “terp preservation” and “terpene-rich.”

Nobody involved had previously considered the possibility that each conversation about aromatic hydrocarbons might secretly constitute support for Big Ten athletics.

Maryland officials became especially alarmed after discovering that the term has spread far beyond Terps USA.

Leafly uses it.

Dispensaries use it.

Growers use it.

Extractors use it.

Customers use it.

People wearing flat-brim hats standing outside cultivation facilities use it constantly.

Investigators are now attempting to determine how an abbreviation for terpenes infiltrated cannabis culture without first obtaining written permission from the University of Maryland.

The university's concerns aren't entirely ridiculous. Trademark owners have legitimate reasons to protect their marks, particularly when another business uses similar names, colors or visual branding that could create confusion about affiliation or sponsorship.

Unfortunately, that perfectly reasonable legal explanation becomes considerably funnier when the disputed word is also the universally understood abbreviation for the thing the other company literally sells.

It's the intellectual property equivalent of Northern Arizona University sending a cease-and-desist to an actual lumberjack.

“You can't call yourself a Lumberjack.”

“Sir, I am holding an axe.”

“Our attorneys will be in touch.”

Terps USA has since moved away from the red, white and black visual identity Maryland objected to, adopting green-and-gold branding instead. But according to reporting on the dispute, the company isn't backing away from the Terps USA name.

Which means the cannabis industry may finally receive something it desperately needed:

A lengthy trademark battle over whether anyone owns the abbreviation for terpenes.

Legal experts expect the dispute could eventually be resolved through negotiation, trademark proceedings or simply everyone realizing this is an incredibly expensive way to argue about four letters.

Until then, cannabis operators are advised to exercise extreme caution.

If you're discussing beta-caryophyllene, you're probably safe.

If you're discussing limonene, you're probably safe.

If you say “terps,” however, immediately look around the room.

There may be a Terrapin nearby.

At press time, University of Maryland attorneys were reportedly investigating whether the institution also owns the word “Mary,” prompting the State of Maryland to retain counsel.