Utah Skips Application Process, Awards New Cannabis License Directly to Mormon Church

SALT LAKE CITY, UT — After announcing it would accept applications for a new medical cannabis pharmacy license, Utah officials abruptly canceled the process Monday and awarded the license directly to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, citing a desire to "save everybody a tremendous amount of paperwork."

State officials said the decision came after reviewing Utah's existing cannabis regulations and realizing they were already approximately 80% of the way there.

"We were going to accept applications, score them, conduct interviews, review operating plans, and pretend several companies had a legitimate shot," said one fictional state official. "Then someone finally said, 'Guys, it's Utah. Just give it to the Church.'"

The motion reportedly passed before lunch.

Under the state's proposed operating agreement, the new dispensary will be referred to as a "pharmacy," employees will be called "dispensary missionaries," and all budtenders will be required to dress like Mormon Jesus.

Long hair.

Perfectly maintained beard.

Flowing white robe.

Sandals.

Name tag.

Employees who arrive wearing a traditional cannabis industry uniform of Jordan 1 Mids, black jeans, and a Cookies hoodie will immediately be sent home to reconsider their choices.

Before being allowed onto the sales floor, every employee must also pass an extensive Honor Code review designed to ensure Utah's medical cannabis workforce maintains the highest possible moral standards.

Applicants will be questioned about alcohol, tobacco, premarital sex, pornography, caffeine intake, and whatever the hell the kids are currently calling sex that technically isn't sex.

Soaking.

Jump humping.

Floating.

Docking.

Planking.

Hovering.

Whatever loophole somebody at BYU allegedly invented last Thursday.

"We're updating the employee handbook constantly," said one fictional HR representative. "Every time we think we've prohibited everything, TikTok invents another workaround."

Employees who successfully complete the Honor Code interview will receive their agent badge, white robe, and permission to recommend indica products while maintaining appropriate eye contact.

The customer experience will also receive several Utah-specific improvements.

Immediately after completing a purchase, every patient will be required to return 10% of the transaction value directly to the dispensary.

Officials stressed that this is not a cannabis tax.

"It's completely different," explained one fictional spokesperson. "Taxes go to the government. This is a mandatory voluntary contribution to ensure continued access to blessings and Blue Dream."

The new program, officially called Tithing Rewards+, will automatically calculate the customer's contribution at checkout.

Customers who attempt to decline will be asked if they'd like to reconsider after making prolonged eye contact with three employees standing silently behind the register.

The dispensary's loyalty program will also be replaced.

Instead of earning points, customers will accumulate Temple Recommendations.

Every dollar spent moves patients closer to higher loyalty tiers including Member, Elder, High Priest, and Platinum Celestial.

Officials declined to explain what happens at Platinum Celestial but confirmed it includes 20% off accessories every Tuesday.

New patients face an additional requirement.

Before purchasing medical cannabis for the first time, every customer must complete a mandatory one-on-one consultation with a bishop/pharmacist inside a hot tub.

The state says the intimate aquatic environment will allow pharmacists to better understand each patient's medical history while simultaneously determining whether they are spiritually prepared for a 10mg gummy.

Patients will sit directly across from the bishop/pharmacist in approximately three feet of bubbling water while answering standard intake questions such as:

"What brings you to medical cannabis?"

"Have you used cannabis previously?"

"Are you currently taking any medications?"

"Do you sustain your local leadership?"

"And why did you order a 1,000mg tincture, Brother Tyler?"

State health officials insist the hot tub consultation is medically necessary.

"We've reviewed the science," said one fictional regulator. "Patients disclose approximately 37% more information when both parties are inexplicably shirtless."

Following the consultation, patients will receive a cannabis recommendation and a complimentary white towel.

The dispensary itself will reportedly feature a distinctly Utah atmosphere.

There will be no explicit cannabis imagery.

No giant marijuana leaves.

No Bob Marley posters.

No psychedelic murals.

Instead, customers will enter a spotless beige lobby featuring inspirational landscape paintings, seventeen identical couches, and the unsettling feeling that somebody is about to ask whether you've considered doing a mission.

Products will remain safely behind the counter, where patients cannot see, smell, touch, or develop an inappropriate emotional relationship with them.

Flower will be sold exclusively in approved containers.

Vape cartridges will be referred to as "electronic testimony delivery systems."

Edibles will be called "refreshments."

And concentrates will continue being treated like something Utah reluctantly acknowledges exists because the legislature accidentally approved them.

The grand opening will begin at 10 a.m. with a ribbon cutting, followed by a prayer, another prayer, seventeen minutes of announcements, and a brief testimony from a state senator explaining that cannabis remains extremely dangerous despite the government currently selling it.

Officials say the new dispensary represents the future of Utah medical cannabis: highly regulated, extremely uncomfortable, surprisingly expensive, and somehow still requiring patients to explain themselves to another adult before buying weed.

At press time, state regulators were reportedly considering awarding the next available cultivation license directly to Young Living after determining essential oils and cannabis were "basically cousins anyway."