BREAKING: CIA Reportedly Using METRC Plant Tags to End the Hippie Bloodline
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Leaked documents reveal government’s decades-long plan to stop people named “River” and “Willow” from reproducing.
SACRAMENTO, CA — The cannabis industry was rocked this week after independent lab testing found detectable heavy metals in California’s mandatory METRC plant tags, immediately confirming what every guy with wraparound sunglasses and a podcast has been screaming since 2018:
The CIA has finally weaponized compliance.
According to anonymous sources who absolutely cannot be named because they’re currently arguing with strangers on Facebook, the federal government’s true objective has never been cannabis taxation, track-and-trace, or regulatory oversight.
Eliminating future generations of hippies.
“They couldn’t stop cannabis,” explained one unnamed conspiracy researcher while smoking hash out of a ceramic flute.
“So they stopped the people who smoke it.”
Industry insiders say the operation, code-named Project No More Drum Circles, was approved sometime after federal agents realized legal cannabis operators were willingly attaching millions of government-issued plastic tags directly onto plants.
“They’re literally paying cultivators to contaminate their own harvest,” one man claimed while refusing to wear sunscreen because “that’s how they track you.”
According to entirely fabricated intelligence obtained by Boof du Jour, the operation has been funded jointly by:
The CIA
The DEA
Big Pharma
The people who invented IPA beer
Whoever decided QR codes belong on everything
Government scientists allegedly concluded that if every cannabis worker handled enough compliance tags over several decades, future generations would lose the overwhelming desire to:
Name children Sage.
Sell wire-wrapped crystals on Etsy.
Own four rescue pit bulls.
Start mushroom coaching businesses.
Tell strangers, “Actually, cannabis is a teacher.”
METRC has denied absolutely none of these accusations because nobody has asked them about Project No More Drum Circles specifically.
The actual controversy stems from lab results showing detectable levels of arsenic and lead in tested plant tags, which has prompted legitimate questions about worker exposure, handling procedures, and disposal guidance, not evidence of a government sterilization program. The individual behind the testing has repeatedly said he is not claiming the tags are proven to be dangerous, only that regulators should answer obvious safety questions.
Naturally, the internet ignored that part within eleven minutes.
Facebook groups immediately concluded the tags also contain:
5G.
Vaccine residue.
Bill Gates.
Gluten.
The same chemicals that made frogs bisexual.
Whatever is in Diet Mountain Dew.
Meanwhile, cultivators remain divided.
Half are demanding immediate answers from regulators.
The other half are still trying to remember where they left their trimming scissors.
At press time, the CIA had reportedly shifted its focus toward contaminating guitar picks, patchouli oil, and Subaru Outbacks after early data suggested hippies continued reproducing despite mandatory METRC compliance.