TERRASCEND FLEES MICHIGAN, LEAVES WORKFORCE FUCKED

TORONTO, ON — In a move that surprised absolutely no one paying attention, TerrAscend has officially abandoned the Michigan cannabis market, citing “macroeconomic challenges,” “hyper-competition,” and the unforeseen consequences of being fucking terrible at their job.

The announcement was buried in a 12-page investor memo littered with phrases like “right-sizing operations” and “unlocking shareholder value,” which is corporate for: we laid off a bunch of hourly employees and kept the C-suite bonuses intact.

“We believe this strategic exit allows us to refocus our energy on markets where people still believe our bullshit,” said TerrAscend CEO Ziad Ghanem, from a yacht registered to a Delaware shell company.

BURIED UNDER PRODUCT, DEBT, AND DELUSIONS

TerrAscend's collapse in Michigan is less about market conditions and more about what happens when you overextend your vertical like a drunk frat bro opening a second food truck before the first one ever passed a health inspection.

They tried to build a brand in a state that already had hundreds—and people still preferred the trap guy with the backpack.

Their product? Mid.Their pricing? Delusional.Their retail strategy? “Let’s open a bunch of stores in the most oversaturated zip codes possible and see what happens.”

“I worked there for nine months,” said one former grow tech, now selling ketamine nasal spray in Ann Arbor. “They couldn’t keep the lights on. Literally. We flowered in the dark some days.”

WORKERS DUMPED LIKE UNSOLD DABS

One Detroit-based staffer told Boof du Jour they were laid off via a glitchy HR email that also invited them to the company holiday party.

Another employee—who helped launch multiple retail locations—said she found out she was fired when her dispensary keycard stopped working. Her severance package? A half-zip of expired gummies and a business card from Trulieve’s regional recruiter.

“We built their fucking brand in Michigan. They took our labor, our time, and our loyalty—and ghosted like a dude who says ‘let’s hang soon’ after you cover the check.”

TerrAscend has not commented on how many employees were affected. But based on real-time LinkedIn thirst posts and “open to work” banners, it’s a bloodbath.

THE NEXT BRILLIANT STRATEGY?

Sources inside the company say TerrAscend plans to reinvest the savings from Michigan’s collapse into “emerging opportunities”—like the New Jersey vape cart market, a CBD soda line for pets, and a $4 million rebrand based on vibes.

Insiders leaked a pitch deck for a new initiative called “TerraUp!”, which includes:

• Franchising “experiential dispensaries” inside Bass Pro Shops

• A partnership with DJ Pauly D to launch “710 Jersey Shore” rosin

• Lobbying the state of Ohio to rename Columbus “Terra, Ohio” in exchange for 1,000 jobs that do not exist
  

INVESTORS STILL PRETENDING THIS IS FINE

Despite getting slapped around in Michigan, TerrAscend’s execs are spinning this exit like it’s a calculated chess move—except they’re down six pieces and trying to snort the board.

“We are focused on states that support long-term profitability,” said their CFO on a recent call, while quietly deleting old CapEx spreadsheets like a teenager hiding porn history.

Analysts are not impressed. One investment firm called the move “textbook damage control.” Another simply wrote: “Pack it up.”