TRULIEVE PLEDGES $250K TO GAETZ IN HISTORIC BID TO LEGALIZE WEED, BRIBE A CONGRESSMAN, AND KILL A BRAND — ALL AT ONCE

Boof du Jour
Jul 14
3 min read

By Boof du Jour Financial Bureau | July 2025

In what industry insiders are calling “a masterclass in desperation lobbying,” Florida-based MSO Trulieve is reportedly prepared to fork over $250,000 to Matt Gaetz, the anime villain of Congress, if he can convince Donald Trump to legalize weed at the federal level — a plan so unhinged it could only make sense to a company hemorrhaging relevance and a politician hemorrhaging charges.

According to public FEC filings, Gaetz’s Florida First Project PAC received $75,000 upfront from Trulieve, with a $175,000 “incentive bonus” if he can get Trump to publicly endorse federal legalization before November — or at least mutter the words “weed good” between felony indictments.

Let’s be clear: This is not a lobbying effort. This is financial pantomime — the kind you’d expect from a failing multi-state operator and a discount Roger Stone impersonator who once tried to legalize ecstasy in The Villages.

“It’s a win-win,” said one Trulieve executive who wished to remain anonymous, “unless you believe in ethics, governance, or not getting your brand name tattooed on the FBI’s nutsack.”

A BRIEF HISTORY OF BAD IDEAS

Trulieve, whose stock performance is the Wall Street equivalent of dry heaving, has spent the last two years closing stores, dodging lawsuits, and watching its once-vaunted Florida monopoly rot like a forgotten tray of cured bud in a Port St. Lucie garage.

Their wins include:

A $4 million wrongful death lawsuit tied to a dispensary employee dying of heatstroke.
Lawsuits from shareholders alleging securities fraud.
Mass layoffs and a bloated retail footprint that collapsed like a Jenga tower built on hopes and compliance memos.
Product complaints including moldy flower, mislabeled vapes, and “tinctures that taste like feet and regret.”

“We believe in the power of cannabis to heal communities,” Trulieve’s CEO once said during an investor call while slashing another 20% of their workforce and taking home a $6 million bonus.

So naturally, their new strategy involves bribing a congressman with the charisma of a frat house eviction notice.

GAETZ, THE PAC-MAN OF POLITICAL GRIFT

Matt Gaetz is the perfect mascot for Trulieve: bloated with entitlement, deeply unlikable, and inexplicably still operational.

He is currently under investigation for:

Sex trafficking of a minor
Campaign finance violations
General douchebaggery

He’s also known for co-sponsoring bizarre crypto legislation, attacking cannabis banking reform when Democrats introduced it, and now—pivoting into weed PAC cash like it’s the final round of Mario Kart.

“I think cannabis reform is vital for our economy,” Gaetz recently told Newsmax, while high-fiving a statue of Reagan and calling child labor “the last great American value.”

THE PLAN: LEGALIZATION VIA CAMPAIGN SHAKEDOWN

Gaetz’s proposal is simple: convince Trump that legalizing weed could win swing states, bring in campaign donations, and somehow own the libs — despite the fact that his own voting record has repeatedly blocked SAFE Banking, criminal justice reform, and anything not endorsed by Tucker Carlson in a tactical vest.

Trulieve’s internal memo (fictional but likely real) outlines:

A $250K donation structure through a PAC (to avoid direct bribe optics).
A digital ad campaign to “rebrand cannabis as freedom gas.”
Coordinated interviews with Gaetz praising “Florida-grown terpenes.”
A photo op with Trump holding a Trulieve pre-roll like it’s a fucking MAGA torch.

If you can’t smell the desperation, it’s because your nose is broken or you work in investor relations.

WALL STREET REACTION: UNHINGED

Upon news of the deal, the cannabis sector reacted with all the grace of a vending machine fight. Shares of Trulieve fluttered like a dying moth. Reddit finance bros declared it “high-risk patriotism.” Meanwhile, actual cannabis operators laughed until they coughed blood.

“If you need Matt Gaetz to legalize weed, you’re not a company,” said one operator. “You’re a punchline with a POS system.”