Trulieve CEO Kim Rivers Steps Down to Pursue Acting Career - Cast as Skeletor in Upcoming ‘Masters of the Universe’ Remake
- Boof du Jour
- Jun 18, 2025
- 2 min read
Market Reacts: TRUL Stock Up 4%, Not Because She’s Leaving—But Because the Press Release Didn’t Say “Indicted”
By Boof du Jour’s Senior Boofonomist, Trent “C-Suite Slapper” Malloy
In a move that shocked exactly no one and disappointed precisely zero shareholders, Trulieve CEO Kim Rivers announced her departure from the Florida-based multistate operator today, citing “a lifelong passion for theatrical villainy and bone structure visibility.” Her next role? Skeletor, in a gritty A24-style reboot of Masters of the Universe. Think arthouse meets indictment suspense thriller—kind of like Trulieve’s earnings calls.
“I’ve always felt a deep connection with cartoonish evil overlords obsessed with land grabs, delusions of grandeur, and unrelenting hatred for transparency,” Rivers told investors during the impromptu exit call. “So, this just felt like the right pivot.”
Investor Reaction: Mostly Relief, With Notes of Trauma
Markets responded positively. TRUL shares rose 4% in pre-market trading, boosted by analysts' consensus rating of “Jesus Fucking Finally.”
Bank of America upgraded Trulieve from Boof Hold to Speculative Escape Plan, noting:
The company’s Q3 margins were “still fictional.”
80% of operating income came from tax refunds and wishful thinking.
Florida still hasn’t gone adult-use, but Trulieve keeps expanding like it already did. That’s not confidence. That’s meth.
Boof Index Update: Trulieve
Cash on Hand: Mostly theoretical, unless you count Rivers’ offshore slush fund and the coins stuck in every Tilray rep’s couch.
Brand Strength: About as stable as the average patient’s tolerance after smoking Sunburn Sativa #8.
Expansion Strategy: Colonize markets, overpay for licenses, bleed capital, file lawsuits, rinse, repeat.
Executive Pay vs. Retail Pay: If you have to ask, you work in the dispensary.
Board Statement
In a public letter, Trulieve’s Board of Directors offered the following praise:
“Kim has guided this company from humble beginnings to industry dominance, and while she departs to play a skeletal warlord hellbent on domination, we remain committed to being a real-life version of that exact business model.”
The letter closed with a quote from He-Man: “I have the power!” — which analysts believe refers to the board’s power to continue consolidating a barely legal cartel without regulatory oversight.
Legacy Review: A Decade of Boof, One Eighth at a Time
Under Rivers’ leadership, Trulieve pioneered the Vertical Monopoly Fantasy Model™, perfecting the art of:
Selling dry weed in humid states
Suing competitors into oblivion
Hiring lobbyists faster than they could hire budtenders
And while patient satisfaction remained consistently “meh,” shareholder confidence was propped up by PowerPoint decks that featured more synergy buzzwords than actual data.
Looking Ahead:
Analysts predict the next CEO will be someone with no cannabis experience, heavy ties to pharma, and a strong background in bullshitting investors while firing dispensary staff during Q4 bonus season. So, business as usual.
Meanwhile, Rivers will begin filming Masters of the Universe: CEO of Doom this summer, with early reviews calling it “a chilling, accurate portrayal of unchecked MSO power, minus the compliance violations.”
Rating: Boof du Jour assigns Trulieve a 'Strong Avoid' rating unless you're a short seller, a class-action attorney, or just into watching slow-motion disasters.