Michigan Accidentally Grants Transport License to Golden Retriever Wearing a Hoodie and Stolen Lanyard

Officials blamed the error on a “clerical oversight,” though witnesses say the dog made three successful deliveries, applied for a loan, and attended two city council meetings before anyone asked questions.

FOR IMMEDIATE COVER-UP Michigan Department of Cannabis Chaos and Dogshit Decisions Re: Transport License #420-PUP-FUCKAROUND-69

LANSING, MI — In yet another milestone for Michigan’s innovative “fuck it, just approve it” cannabis licensing system, state regulators have mistakenly awarded a full cannabis transport license to Charlie, a 9-year-old golden retriever whose most recent work history includes “emotional support animal” and “ate drywall once.”

Charlie entered the licensing office last week accompanied by a guy named “Trip” who claimed to be his “life coach.” Witnesses confirm Trip passed off the dog's application by shoving an empty folder under the bulletproof glass and whispering the phrase “social equity.”

No one checked ID. No one asked questions. One clerk just said, “He looks trustworthy,” and stamped APPROVED between bites of a vape pen.

When asked about the decision, Senior Compliance Officer Debra McFuckstick stated:

“Charlie demonstrated clear knowledge of state regs by sitting on command.

That’s more than we can say for the last five LLCs we approved. Also, he didn’t cry during the Zoom equity seminar, unlike those weak-ass applicants from Flint.”

Under his newly granted license, Charlie is now fully empowered to transport kilos of regulated cannabis between dispensaries, wield METRC access, and negotiate multi-state distro contracts. He was immediately hired as Head of Logistics by four shell companies based in a closed Quiznos.

Charlie was last seen in a Sprinter van licking packaging glue off infused dog biscuits, while a dude with a man bun explained how they were “disrupting paw-based commerce.”

Meanwhile, 117 qualified applicants from Detroit, Benton Harbor, and Saginaw have been locked in a broken online portal since January, waiting for a callback from someone who’s currently out “on a vibes retreat.”

The State has issued a formal response:

“We stand behind our decision. Charlie meets the criteria of our newly expanded ‘Quadruped Equity Initiative,’ which prioritizes warm-blooded applicants who haven’t committed wire fraud… yet.”

Charlie has been nominated for a Leaflink Equity in Logistics Award and is reportedly in talks to speak at MJBizCon 2025 on the panel: “Sniffing Out Opportunity: Navigating Cannabis as a Furry Founding CEO.”

Next week in Boof du Jour: “Illinois Launches Grant Program for People Who Were Almost Arrested But Got Away Because Their Weed Was Mid.”