Cannabis Awards Season Kicks Off, Nobody Asks About Profitability

Somewhere in America right now, a VP of Marketing is refreshing Canva, a founder is practicing their “humbled but visionary” acceptance speech in the mirror, and a CFO is quietly Googling “how to expense tuxedo rentals during insolvency.”

Welcome back to Cannabis Awards Season. The only time of year when companies losing $2 million a quarter compete for a trophy shaped like a leaf glued to a rock.

The Red Carpet (Sponsored by Outstanding Accounts Payable)

The lights. The step-and-repeat. The LinkedIn captions written in third person.

“Honored to be recognized as a disruptor in verticalized terpene-forward omni-channel synergy.”

Brother, your stores close at 7 p.m. because you cannot afford payroll.

But sure, let’s celebrate your “Best Brand Storytelling” while your inventory write-offs could fund a small municipal library.

This Year’s Top Categories

• Most Innovative Use of Distillate With New Name

• Best Rebrand After Receivership

• Most Empowering Mission Statement While Cutting Budtender Hours

• Best Packaging That Violates Three State Regulations

• Highest Engagement on a Post About Culture Comments Disabled

Notably absent from the ballot:

• Net Income

• Cash Flow

• Same-Store Sales

• Margin After Discounts

• Did You Actually Pay Your Vendors

Strange oversight.

The Acceptance Speech Template

“This award isn’t about us. It’s about the plant. It’s about the culture. It’s about our incredible team.”

Camera pans to the team who has not received a bonus since 2021.

No one thanks the operations manager who figured out how to make a 62 percent margin look like 48 percent after promo stacking. No one thanks the accountant who is slowly aging like a president mid-war.

But the Creative Director is front row. Crying. As they should.

Judges Confirm They Did Not Review Financials

When asked how winners are selected, one anonymous judge admitted:

“We look at aesthetics. And font hierarchy.”

A shocking new metric revealed 78 percent of award winners had “record engagement” during quarters where EBITDA was described internally as aspirational.

One company took home Brand of the Year while simultaneously negotiating rent deferment with three landlords and paying employees in leftover swag hoodies.

The Afterparty

The afterparty is always electric.

CEOs clink glasses over champagne purchased on a marketing budget line item labeled community engagement.

Panels break out in corners:

• Scaling Nationally Without Capital

• How to Raise a Series C Without Revenue

• Turning Layoffs Into Thought Leadership

Meanwhile, somewhere across town, a profitable single-store operator is at home, asleep, because they have to open at 8 a.m. and count inventory like an adult.

They were not nominated.

They do not have a neon sign.

They have cash flow.

The Real Award Nobody Wants

Here’s the uncomfortable truth.

In cannabis, profitability is considered gauche. Margin discipline is old energy. Operational excellence does not photograph well.

You can be unprofitable for five years, but if your booth has moss walls and your CMO says ecosystem with conviction, you are a finalist.

Try walking into an awards gala and saying:

“We reduced discount dependency by 18 percent, cut SKU count by 30 percent, improved turn rate, and actually made money.”

You will be escorted out for negativity.

And The Winner Is

The company with:

• The loudest LinkedIn presence

• The most cinematic B-roll

• A mission statement that includes the words community, equity, and elevation

• A burn rate that could power a mid-sized nation

Congratulations. You have won a crystal leaf.

Now please report to your lender.

Awards season will end the same way it always does.

With 47 recap posts. Three humblebrags disguised as gratitude essays. And absolutely zero mention of profitability.

See you next quarter, when we all pretend growth is happening again.