Cannabis CEO “Shocked and Confused” After Sliding Into 87 LinkedIn DMs and Not Getting Laid Once
- 4 minutes ago
- 2 min read
A cannabis industry CEO confirmed this week that his bold strategy of sliding into women’s LinkedIn direct messages has produced exactly zero romantic outcomes, leaving the executive both confused and mildly offended.
The CEO, whose profile headline reads like a fully stocked Home Depot aisle of professional buzzwords, says he assumed his credentials would naturally translate into attraction.
His LinkedIn bio currently reads:
CEO | #1 TRUSTED BUSINESS BROKER | Exit Strategist | Business Consultant | Sales & Marketing Executive | Business Development | Product R&D / Launch | Expert in Health & Wellness, Medical, E-Commerce & Retail
“I just figured once someone saw the title stack it would at least open the door,” the CEO explained while scrolling through a sent folder that currently contains 87 unanswered LinkedIn messages.
“You don’t become the #1 trusted anything without people trusting you,” he added.
Industry analysts say the CEO appears to be suffering from a rapidly spreading condition known as Title Stack Syndrome, where executives continue adding professional labels until their headline becomes longer than their personality.
Friends say the strategy originally started as normal networking before evolving into what the CEO referred to internally as “relationship development.”
His outreach messages reportedly followed a very consistent format:
“Hi Jessica, I noticed you're also in the cannabis industry. As a CEO and Exit Strategist who has generated millions in revenue across multiple verticals, I’d love to connect and learn more about what you’re passionate about.”
According to sources, the CEO believed that casually mentioning millions in revenue would function as what he called a “professional pheromone.”
Unfortunately, the only consistent responses he has received so far include:
• vendor software pitches
• crypto investment scams
• and one HR director who replied, “Sir, this is LinkedIn.”
Despite the lack of traction, the CEO insists the strategy still has strong upside.
“You have to remember, LinkedIn is a numbers game,” he said. “Eventually someone is going to see ‘Business Development’ and realize I’m extremely serious about development.”
At press time, the executive was reportedly updating his bio to improve his odds with a new headline:
CEO | Revenue Architect | Trusted Industry Leader | Strategic Growth Operator | Connector of People and Opportunities | Open to Meaningful Relationships