TULSA TAINTS UNVEILED AS AMERICA’S FIRST CANNABIS-SPONSORED PRO TEAM
- Boof du Jour
- Jul 19
- 3 min read
TULSA, OK — I’m writing this from a plastic folding chair inside the Civic Memorial Arena, where Columbia Care just hosted the ribbon-cutting ceremony for the Tulsa Taints — America’s first professional sports team sponsored by a multistate cannabis operator.
This is not a drill. This is not a prank. This is what happens when the cannabis industry runs out of investors and decides to start cosplaying Gatorade.
The Taints are a semi-pro arena football team (or possibly roller derby — depends which intern you ask), and Columbia Care is now their “exclusive cannabinoid performance partner,” which appears to mean they donated 400 expired vape pens and a busted MJBizCon tent to a city that thought they were getting an Arby’s.
“We’re not just selling weed,” said one Columbia Care brand rep, visibly sweating. “We’re helping athletes unlock their terpene potential.”
There were no athletes present.
WHEN YOU CAN’T SELL WEED, SELL INFLUENCE
The arena itself is a cinderblock tomb — half FEMA shelter, half haunted Foot Locker. The concessions table was offering “infused pickle nachos” and bulk THCa dipped pretzels. Someone’s kid passed out on a banner that just said “OPTIMIZE YOUR PERFORMANCE STATE.”
Columbia Care promised a “new era of sports marketing in cannabis” — and instead built a PR stunt so off-brand it might as well have been sponsored by Planet Fitness and ketamine.
This is the logical endpoint of cannabis brands getting too horny for mainstream relevance:
Weed brands sponsoring sports teams.
Weed brands sponsoring dog shows.
Weed brands sponsoring Spelling Bees.
If the fans can’t name your dispensary, your money’s just buying stadium rent and embarrassment.
HALFTIME "ACTIVATIONS" INCLUDE SHAME, INJURY, AND A FENTANYL SCARE
Today’s “wellness-forward halftime experience” featured:
A blunt-rolling contest using pre-rolls from 2022 recall lots
A raffle to win store credit at a dispensary that no longer exists
A gummy toss hosted by someone’s nephew with visible hand tremors
A guy in a mascot suit trying to explain what a minor cannabinoid is before vomiting in his own foam head
One child bit into an infused pretzel thinking it was “team merch.” A dog licked a recovery salve sample and projectile shit onto the local news crew.
THE DATA SAYS FANS SUPPORT IT — THE STREETS SAY OTHERWISE
A recent poll claims 62% of sports fans support cannabis brand sponsorships. But when asked to name one brand, the most common answer was “Kiva,” followed by “that one my cousin sells.”
“It’s cool they’re letting weed play sports,” said a local woman who later admitted she thought Columbia Care was a retirement fund.
Fans in the stands were either confused, sunburned, or both. One man in a “Taints Nation” shirt kept chanting “hit the dab!” at the team kicker. Another kept asking if Columbia Care “makes carts or just sells ‘em.”
BRAND SUICIDE BY SPONSORSHIP
Columbia Care’s playbook here is clear: Distract from debt.Hide the layoffs.Sponsor a semi-pro sports team in Tulsa.Hope no one notices you’re circling the drain.
This isn’t brand expansion. It’s brand hospice care.
“We’re exploring new frontiers of brand affinity,” said Columbia Care’s Head of Consumer Engagement, who was later spotted crying in the bathroom while googling “how to make cannabis cool again.”
The plan? Expand the Taints franchise into other underserved cities like El Paso, Des Moines, and maybe Reno — if they can bribe the local parks department.
FINAL SCORE: WHO GIVES A FUCK
No one remembers the score. The scoreboard broke. One of the players left mid-game to cover his shift at Jimmy John’s.
A local vendor was spotted selling knockoff jerseys that just said “WEED TEAM” across the back.
Columbia Care execs posed for photos next to a broken-down Zamboni with a vinyl wrap that said: “BREATHE BETTER. RUN FASTER. VAPE COLUMBIA.”
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