FDA Grants Provisional “Oops All Beverages” License to Tilray Following $794M Loss and a Strong Hunch

After losing nearly a billion and pivoting for the seventh time this quarter, Tilray secures a federal hall pass to become the LaCroix of weed—minus the flavor, plan, or demand.

In a move that should raise more eyebrows than THC levels, federal regulators have quietly handed Tilray Brands, Inc. a shiny new path to salvation: canned beverages laced with legally dubious hope.

After reporting a $794.41 million net loss — the kind of financial fuckup that usually ends in layoffs or indictments — Tilray was instead blessed with a fast-tracked “Alternative THC Beverage License” from a coalition of alphabet soup agencies who reportedly “liked the logo and thought the vibes were good.”“We believe in second chances,” said one unnamed regulatory official. “And Tilray is on their third.”

From Weed to Wet

Once considered a cannabis powerhouse, Tilray’s actual weed sales now sit somewhere between “meh” and “please don’t look.” Facing mounting losses and a shelf full of unsold flower, executives launched a bold new pivot: cannabinoid-infused sparkling beverages.

Now available in 10 U.S. states, these drinks combine the subtle medicinal power of THC with the taste profile of a LaCroix left in a hot car. Despite only generating $1.4 million in beverage revenue, Tilray’s leadership remains confident — mostly because their board has no idea what else to do.

One source close to the matter claimed the shift came after an all-hands meeting where someone accidentally played a Liquid Death ad on loop for 9 minutes and a VP stood up and said, “We could do that. But stoned.”“It’s like cannabis, but socially acceptable and overpriced,” reads one internal slide from Tilray’s 2025 investor deck. “Also: hydration is trending.”

The License That Shouldn't Exist

The Provisional Beverage License, officially filed under a Department of Commerce subcommittee known as “Oops All Beverages,” includes a clause allowing Tilray to skip traditional cannabis compliance systems — because beverages are apparently “too fluid to track.”

Regulators reportedly overlooked supply chain concerns, labeling loopholes, and the small matter of state-by-state illegality, opting instead for a one-size-fits-most justification: “It’s not flower. It’s fizzy.”

Boof du Jour obtained leaked internal documents showing that the license’s approval committee consisted of one retired FDA consultant, a Trulieve intern, and a guy who used to own a soda machine business.

Investors Still Confused, Still Here

Despite catastrophic losses and a business model built entirely on sugar, novelty, and desperation, Tilray’s stock remains publicly traded — for now. Analysts are split between “buy,” “hold,” and “God help us.”“The cannabis market is maturing,” said a paid spokesperson who clearly hasn’t looked at a balance sheet since 2021. “And Tilray is leading the way — into a can.”

Their next earnings call is expected to feature product samples, celebrity endorsements, and an apology from the CEO read over LoFi beats.

Boof du Jour reached out for comment but was told Tilray’s team was “head down, innovating,” which appears to mean adding elderflower and mango to THC and calling it a pivot.

Stay tuned as we track what happens when one of the biggest cannabis companies in North America decides to go all in on soda — and whether the regulators who let them get away with it are also sipping the Kool-Aid.