Minnesota Taxes Weed Like It Owes Child Support—And You're Paying The Arrears
- Boof du Jour
- 4 days ago
- 3 min read
Minnesota has officially decided to tax legal cannabis like it’s an imported vice from hell—slapping up to a 30% total tax on the product, with the Twin Cities now holding the proud title of second-highest weed tax zone in the country.
Only California beats them. And in case you missed it: California is where legal cannabis goes to die.
The state’s move—quietly confirmed through a layered stack of local taxes, retail excise hikes, and city-by-city levies—puts Minnesota’s market on a fiscal suicide watch before it’s even fully operational.
But don’t worry, folks: this isn’t a policy failure. It’s an economic opportunity—for the black market.
THE NUMBERS (AND WHY THEY SUCK):
According to current projections:
Base state excise tax: 10%
Local sales tax: 7.875% (Minneapolis)
“Cannabis retail tax”: An extra 10%
Municipal tag-ons: Variable, unhinged, selectively enforced
Total damage: ~30% for every eighth, edible, or overpriced THC seltzer sold within city limits.That’s right. A $50 bag becomes $65 before you even light it.
Meanwhile, the Boof Index gives Minnesota’s rollout a generous:
Boof Viability Rating: 2 out of 10“The only thing higher than the taxes are the lawmakers who thought this was a good idea.”
INVESTOR OUTLOOK: PLEASE LAUGH RESPONSIBLY
Private equity groups eyeing Minnesota's cannabis market were initially optimistic, calling it “a fresh slate for equitable capitalism” and “a good place to trial some scalable brand concepts.”
Today, their confidence has collapsed faster than a hemp-based crypto coin.
One venture partner who asked not to be named said:
“We didn’t realize we’d have to price our eighths like imported Wagyu. Consumers are already back at their plug’s apartment.”
Another industry consultant described Minnesota’s cannabis economics as “a masterclass in how to make weed look like a luxury and a liability at the same time.”
BLACK MARKET STATUS: GLOWING GREEN
Reports from across Minneapolis and St. Paul suggest that unlicensed sales are already booming, with dealers running quiet delivery services and pop-up smoke rooms that somehow aren’t taxed like you just bought concert tickets to hell.
One anonymous local plug told Boof:
“I didn’t even have to lower my prices. The state made me competitive by accident.”
BOOF-IFIED STATE OFFICIAL QUOTE:
“This tax structure is designed to fund vital services, promote public health, and encourage safe access,” said someone who’s never bought weed without a government salary.“We believe Minnesotans will embrace this model once they see how many potholes we can ignore with the new revenue.”
LONG-TERM MARKET OUTLOOK: BLEAK WITH A CHANCE OF BULLSHIT
Unless Minnesota reverses course, expect:
Local operators folding within 18 months
Out-of-state brands avoiding entry due to tax complexity
Consumers driving to Wisconsin, where they’ll pretend Delta-8 carts are medicine again
We’ve seen this movie before. In California. In Illinois. In New York. And now, Minnesota has joined the elite ranks of states who mistook weed for wine and taxed it like Rolexes.
EXECUTIVE QUOTE FROM A FAKE BRAND LAUNCHING SOON:
“We’re proud to offer our premium live rosin at $89 pre-tax because we care about patients, profits, and politics. In that order.”— Bryce Van Lumen, Founder of NORTHLIGHT™, a Scandinavian-inspired wellness brand that only sells in Whole Foods parking lots
FINAL BOOF DU JOUR RECOMMENDATION:
Short Minnesota’s cannabis market.Go long on baggies.
When the dust settles, the only real winners will be street dealers, lobbyists, and anyone smart enough to see this rollout for what it is: a masterfully botched tax grab wrapped in progressive language and sold with a 30% markup.
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