Missouri Grants Transport License to Man with a Lime Scooter and a Trash Bag

Citing “low barriers to entry” and “vibes,” the state issued credentials to a man seen zipping down I-70 with flower, edibles, and what might’ve been his lunch—all in the same Panda Express takeout bag.

In a move that reaffirms Missouri’s commitment to absolutely fucking nothing, the Department of Cannabis Regulation & Performative Equity (DCRPE) has officially granted a transport license to Uber Transport Company — a business that, according to three separate witnesses and one annoyed DoorDash driver, is just a guy named Reggie with a Lime scooter, a trash bag full of jars, and "a really fast attitude."

Uber Transport, which bears no affiliation to the actual ride-share giant and failed to submit a logo, pitch deck, or an actual address, was deemed “eligible and ready to operate” after a 13-minute Zoom meeting where the licensing board allegedly spent more time asking about lunch than reviewing credentials.

“Vertical Integration, Baby,” Says Licensing Chair, Not Even Laughing

“Reggie met all the key requirements,” said Licensing Chair Debra Mannsfield, who later admitted she thought the application was “just an elaborate bit.” “He said he was passionate about weed and owned his own transportation device. That’s vertical integration, baby.”

The licensing fee, normally $5,000, was waived under Missouri’s Enhanced Social Equity Through Improvised Solutions™ program, which allows any applicant who claims they’ve "been through some shit" to bypass basic vetting in exchange for a typed Word doc and a $60 cash app.

Critics point out the hypocrisy in denying legitimate operators with full SOPs, insurance, and locked vehicles, while giving free rein to a guy last seen “drifting a scooter through the QT parking lot” with two pounds of loud in a reused Panda Express bag.

Reggie, reached for comment mid-delivery (and mid-wheelie), responded: “If you think I’m not social equity, suck my fucking dick. I’ve been dodging cops since 2009. This license is reparations.”

Compliance Binder Includes: One Glove and a List of Personal Enemies

According to internal documents leaked by a guy who’s definitely getting fired, Reggie’s official compliance binder includes:

• A printed screenshot of Google Maps

• A list of personal enemies

• One glove

• A receipt from a gas station in 2021

Regulators insist the system is working as intended.

“Our goal was to create low barriers to entry,” Mannsfield concluded. “So we eliminated all of them.”