Pennsylvania Launches First State-Run Dispensary: Welcome to the DMV of Weed

Finally, a Dispensary That Feels Like Jury Duty

HARRISBURG, PA — In a bold attempt to modernize cannabis sales using 1970s government logic, Pennsylvania has officially opened its first state-operated dispensary, affectionately branded as “Liberty Leaf & Sons™️ (a Division of the Bureau of Smokable Products).”

This revolutionary new location is built inside a repurposed Turnpike E-ZPass office, complete with linoleum floors, bulletproof glass, and that ambient scent of printer toner and quiet despair.

THE PRODUCT LINE:

At launch, the store’s only flower option was a dusty eighth called “Keystone Kush,” described on the official state label as having “notes of wet basement, public transit, and the faint scent of compromise.”

Other state-approved strains include:

“Indica-tion of Regulation” – may cause drowsiness, paranoia, and a deep distrust of the permit process.

“PA Dutch Treat” – grown in a barn next to an Amish windmill, trimmed by a union rep.

“State-Mandated Gas OG” – flower so dry it comes with a voucher for Pedialyte and a note from your representative that says “You’re welcome.”

CUSTOMER EXPERIENCE HIGHLIGHTS:

No browsing allowed. Customers must take a number and sit in silence for 38 minutes.

Cash only. There is no ATM, and the nearest one is at a toll plaza 7 miles away behind a closed Dunkin Donuts.

To enter, you must present:

A valid ID

A W-2 from the past three years

A handwritten essay about the first time you got high, notarized

A blood sample (optional but "encouraged")

One man attempted to pay with Apple Pay and was detained for “intent to modernize.”

“I love it,” said one customer. “It’s like if Walgreens and the TSA opened a dispensary together, but with more bureaucracy and less weed.”

INSPIRED BY THE GREAT STATE OF… UTAH?

When asked where the state got its model for success, officials admitted they were “deeply inspired by Utah’s thriving liquor store network.”

As a reminder, Utah state liquor stores:

Close at 7 p.m. sharp, even during Super Bowl Sunday

Sell warm beer with the enthusiasm of a DMV employee trapped in a Rite Aid

Use a triple-tax system that makes a White Claw cost $13.42

And require “intention forms” for buying more than one bottle of anything labeled “fun”

“We saw how Utah handles alcohol,” said one PA regulator, “and thought… what if we did that, but drier?”

FUTURE INNOVATIONS COMING SOON:

FREQ-YENCY™️ Loyalty Program:

10 punches earns you a government-issued roach clip and a handwritten thank-you note from the lieutenant governor.

Mail-in Vape Ballots:

Cartridges now sealed in tamper-proof absentee ballot envelopes, only usable after a three-day verification period.

Customer Exit Survey Kiosk (mandatory):

Press 1 for “satisfied,”

Press 2 to join the Commonwealth Citizen Cannabis Advisory Complaint Council™️.