Texas Accidentally Legalized Weed, Immediately Pretended It Didn’t
- Boof du Jour
- Jun 18
- 2 min read
AUSTIN, TX — In a rare bipartisan act of fiscal enlightenment and unmedicated psychosis, Texas lawmakers accidentally legalized THC—and then aggressively denied it like a senator caught in a gay bar. The financial aftermath? A booming hemp-derived market worth billions, powered by a legal loophole so large you could drive a Ford Super Duty full of Delta-9 gummies through it.
What began as a bill to regulate hemp has evolved into a full-fledged cannabis economy operating under the delusional banner of “not weed.”“We just wanted to help farmers,” said one state rep while staring dead-eyed into the middle distance, pretending not to understand that 25mg edibles are now available next to beef jerky at every gas station off I-35.
MARKET OVERVIEW:
Texas is now the fourth-largest cannabis economy in the country, depending on who you ask and how many syllables they can pronounce in “tetrahydrocannabinol.” But here’s the kicker: none of it is technically legal cannabis. It’s diet weed—same high, half the guilt.“It’s like legalizing moonshine but calling it ‘fermented air,’” said Boof du Jour’s market analyst while shotgun-smoking a disposable vape marked ‘CBD LOL 1000MG’.
THE HEMPOCALYPSE™:
How Texas Accidentally Invented an Unregulated Billion-Dollar Weed Industry
THC Limit: Supposed to cap at 0.3% by dry weight
Actual Products: 25mg Delta-9 THC gummies in a resealable paw print pouch labeled “For Stress Relief, Not Kids”
Retail Locations: Gas stations, vape shops, megachurch parking lots
Regulators: Still Googling what Delta-8 is
EXECUTIVE STRATEGY:
Every hemp startup in Texas is now a “wellness brand” with absolutely no operational oversight. Their pitch decks read like a Buzzfeed quiz with the financial ethics of Theranos.“We’re vertically integrated from soil to soul,” said one startup founder while embezzling payroll funds into a Lambo lease.
VCs are lining up to fund “Texas’s first boutique hemp speakeasy with an app,” which is just a trailer behind a Dollar General that accepts Bitcoin.
BOOF INDEX – TEXAS HEMPERPRISES™:
Product Clarity: “Legally confusing but spiritually effective”
Regulatory Oversight: The same guy who checks pool chemicals at the YMCA
Consumer Trust: Slightly higher than crypto, slightly lower than Red Lobster
Projected Earnings (Q3): $300M or jail time, depending on next week’s AG memo
WHY YOUR “LEGAL” WEED IS $60 AND STILL SUCKS:
Because instead of embracing actual legalization, Texas let capitalism fill the void with bootleg chemistry and copy-pasted Shopify storefronts. You’re paying premium prices for backyard THC manufactured in what was probably a meth lab three years ago.“We follow all state guidelines,” says one label, next to a QR code that leads to a SoundCloud rap.
Meanwhile, Texas continues to arrest people for traditional cannabis possession—just not if it came in a pastel-colored tin with “CALM AF” written on it in script font.
FINAL RECOMMENDATION:
Invest in Texas hemp if you’re into fast cash, light regulation, and morally gray product sourcing.Short long-term logic, ethics, and any attempt to distinguish real weed from rebranded trash.
Buy from someone who can explain the difference between Delta-9 and Delta-fuck-you.
This has been your Boofonomics Brief. We’ll be back next week to analyze why the same people who hate socialism just handed out weed licenses like raffle tickets at a county fair.
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