United Center Begins Selling Hemp-Derived THC Drinks, Immediately Has to Give Out 50,000 Free Beers After Guests Report “Didn’t Feel Shit”

CHICAGO — What was supposed to be a historic step forward for hemp-derived THC beverages quickly turned into a citywide hydration emergency after the United Center began selling THC-infused drinks and was forced to hand out an estimated 50,000 free beers to angry guests who claimed the drinks did absolutely nothing.

The drinks, marketed as a legal, compliant, responsibly dosed alternative to alcohol, debuted at concerts and events this week to great fanfare and even greater disappointment.

“I paid eighteen dollars for a drink that tasted like a melted LaCroix and gave me the emotional experience of tap water,” said one concertgoer while double-fisting replacement Bud Lights. “At that point just lie to me and call it a seltzer.”

According to multiple attendees, the complaints began less than ten minutes after the first THC beverages were served. By halftime, concession workers were reportedly issuing apology beers at a rate usually reserved for airline delays.

The Science of Feeling Nothing

United Center officials confirmed that the drinks contained hemp-derived Delta-9 THC and were fully compliant with Illinois law. Unfortunately, compliance did not translate into impact.

Industry insiders familiar with the formulation explained that the beverages were carefully engineered to deliver a dose strong enough to say it contains THC, but weak enough to avoid any possibility of fun, controversy, or enjoyment.

“This is the safest possible version of getting high,” said one anonymous beverage consultant. “So safe that nothing happens. That’s the whole innovation.”

Multiple guests reported consuming two or more THC drinks before realizing the only noticeable effect was mild confusion and the urge to complain online.

Damage Control Goes Liquid

By the end of the night, United Center staff had pivoted to a crisis response plan that included free beers, free sodas, and a vague acknowledgment that maybe expectations were set a little high.

Internal estimates suggest more than 50,000 beers were distributed to guests who felt misled, underwhelmed, or personally attacked by the idea of paying premium prices for a drink that legally contains THC but spiritually does not.

One concession worker described the scene as “a weed version of the Fyre Festival, but wetter.”

A Perfect Example of the Hemp Era

The incident highlights the growing disconnect between hemp-derived THC marketing and consumer reality. While lawmakers argue about milligrams and loopholes, consumers are discovering that legal does not always mean effective.

“This is what happens when products are designed by lawyers instead of stoners,” said one longtime cannabis consumer. “You can’t regulate your way into a good time.”

Despite the backlash, United Center officials say they remain committed to offering hemp-derived THC beverages, noting that many guests appreciated having a non-alcohol option, even if it functioned more as a placebo.

Looking Ahead

The venue is reportedly reviewing feedback and considering adjustments, including clearer labeling, stronger formulations if allowed, and possibly a new disclaimer reading: Effects may include disappointment.

At press time, several attendees were seen exiting the arena with free beers in hand, confirming that while hemp THC drinks may be legal, alcohol remains undefeated.

Boof du Jour will continue monitoring the rollout of hemp-derived THC beverages, especially in situations where the crowd demands proof of concept and receives a refund instead.