We Sat Down with Beard Bros and Accidentally Joined a Cult

We Didn’t Find Enlightenment—It Found Us, Lit, and Dabbed on a Flat Rock

JOSHUA TREE, CA — What started as a casual podcast interview with the Beard Bros turned into a full-blown initiation ritual involving a ceremonial dab rig, a talking coyote named “Dennis,” and a naked man explaining phenohunting through interpretive dance.

We arrived at the compound — sorry, “off-grid terpene temple” — expecting hot takes on legacy operators and federal reform. Instead, we were greeted by a bearded man in linen robes who offered us “hash-smoked mushroom tea” and a non-disclosure agreement written in cursive tattoo ink.

The Interview That Wasn’t

The moment we pressed record, both Beard Bros began humming in unison. Not talking. Just humming. Low, rhythmic, deeply unsettling. Our producer immediately vomited in the shape of a trichome.

When we asked about rescheduling, one of them handed us a pinecone and whispered, “This is your new mic. Speak your truth into the seed.”

At this point, we realized we weren’t in an interview — we were in Beard Bros Phase Two: The Expansion of Consciousness Through Unlicensed Solventless Waxes™️.

Who Are the Beard Bros?

We used to think they were just two dudes with strong opinions and stronger facial hair. But after three days in the desert:

We now know they are twin avatars of a pre-legalization consciousness called The Cannabliss.

Their beards are not natural. They are grown in a quartz-based substrate fed only on Reddit karma and kombucha vapor.

One of them communicates solely in past High Times headlines.

Product Launch: Beard Bros “Terp Balm for the Soul”

Before they let us leave, they smeared our foreheads with a new topical called Terp Balm for the Soul™️, a cannabinoid-infused mixture of:

Crushed Deadstock Emerald Cup medals

Artisan goat butter

“Fear of the MSOs”

They claim it “opens your third lung.”

We didn’t even know we had a third lung.

Final Words

Would we do it again? Absolutely not.

Do we feel enlightened? Unfortunately, yes.

Will we be reviewing the balm? No, it reviewed us.

(4.2 stars, said we “lack conviction in our cannabinoids.”)